A regrettable purchase finally meets its end (now with butt puns)!

Good lord.  So I had this toy:


It’s a California Exotics Art Deco Jelly Butt Plug.  I am deliberately not linking to it.  I bought this toy in September 2008, the first week my employee discount ever went into effect at the adult store.  We hadn’t really started stocking much glass or silicone at this point, and I would like to blame my purchase on a combination of that, not “knowing any better,” and this plug being the closest thing to glass “aesthetics-wise.”  It was also beyond anything my ass could handle in my early butt play years, so it stayed unused for many moons (I liiiiive for ass puns) before I was able to use it comfortably.

Even now, it’s still not a toy that works well with my ass.  Its width stays too wide for far too long.  I’d rather have a plug with a brief moment of wide girth before it tapers back down to something tolerable that my butt can hold onto.  But I kept this plug, if for no other reason than it still looked really pretty, so long as you didn’t touch it or look at up close to realize it was jelly (it never had a chemical smell to it, and the texture, though rubbery, was not sticky or tacky at all).  As years went by, I had decreasing room for this plug in my arsenal, and considered throwing it away except that my one partner really liked it and insisted they didn’t care about the debatable material.  That was until last night, when I got home from my second partner’s burlesque competition at 4 am only to discover the plug in a tupperware container full of soapy water at the bottom of our shower with a post it note, like some sort of crime scene.  On the post it note was an apology:

“I washed this 5 TIMES and it still smells bad 🙁  Hope you made the best of your night.  Love, Partner.”   (I should mention I later confirmed my suspicions, that the “smell” was of anal descent, not the material itself.  Lilly has some good tips for ridding your butt toys of lingering odors, but this was beyond hope.)

Cackling, I left the aberration in its watery prison and forwarded a video of the hilarity to the third partner in our poly family, asking them what the fate of said plug should be:

Judge, Jury, and Executioner of Bad Butt Plugs
Sorry to the twitching recyclers: since we live in the middle of nowhere we have to burn most of our cardboard.

Knowing full well how jelly goes up in flames like a dried out Christmas tree, I was ready with camera in hand.  I had hoped for effects akin to Lilly torching that Screaming-O cock ring, and I was NOT disappointed.

So rest in peace, stinky jelly toy.  As Lao Tzu once said, “The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.”  I’m pretty sure that was never meant to be applied to a CalExotics Art Deco butt plug, but it works.