Disclaimer: I am not including ANY links to MEO’s website as I do not want to give them any traffic.
I had my hesitations about MEO, I did. So many things seemed very wrong about this company, from their marketing, to the toys they stocked, to their incessant email spamming. I found it abhorrent that they would make knockoffs of nJoy’s long-existing products, but was also really curious as to why they were so much cheaper. So on a whim, being that I’m unaffiliated, unpaid, and thought I had nothing to lose, messaged the MEO admins asking if they’d be willing to send me any toys to review on my website. I got a prompt response saying yes, and to choose my toys.
I immediately asked for the Alpha Male 3 Stimulator, which looked much like the nJoy Pure Wand, with the secret intentions of using my landlord’s industrial dremel to get a bisected view of what kind of metals were really in this thing. I also asked for their Foreskin Dildo, which had this really cool highlighter-yellow base and claimed to be silicone, which I figured I’d flame test when I got it. Basically, I wanted to science the shit out of MEO’s products. I jokingly mentioned the Garden Gnome Dildo to Wolf, the guy handling my order, with no intentions of actually wanting it. But lo and behold, MEO would rather send me a huge dildo and a ten pound ANAL GNOME and fork over international shipping fees than risk another steel toy getting into the hands of a sex toy reviewer. Something VERY suspicious about that.
The Gnome is PURE phthalates, shrink wrapped in busted plastic. My dear schoolmate is a collector of all things garden gnome related, so I’ll see if they have use for it, otherwise there have been suggestions to light it on fire. But truth be told, with all that PVC and the toxic fumes, I think that might be kind of dangerous. The thing reeks just sitting on my counter, I can’t imagine how it would be engulfed in flames. It’d probably ignite like a sterno. So unboxing this package made me uncomfortable to begin with. The lubes were gendered: PlowBoy and PlowGirl. Silicone for the boys and glycerin-free (but not glycol-free) for the girls. And pink! YAY! Fucking hell.
Part of my unboxing video. Authentic reaction of surprise and ick at the gendered lube. "…ok, why do the 'boys' get silicone?" ::smh:: pic.twitter.com/mJ1C4gZkFk
— Avery (@ThePalimpsex) November 1, 2016
The silicone dildo DID hold up to the flame test in several areas, no scorch marks, no melting, no reactions at all. It was a squishier silicone, something akin to your average Vixen silicone, and had a length and girth just a touch thicker and longer than Godemiche’s Adam. The base was an inch thick which I loved, because it meant I could get a good grip on it. I got in the mail yesterday and here we are today, my Jopen Vanity Vr6 in hand for clitoral stimulation, this PlowGirl business at the ready (this is the biggest dildo I’ve ever owned, so I figured I might as well try out the new water-based lube), and the new dildo. The dildo was amazing. I’ve realized I’m a huge fan of thick dildos. Three orgasms in under a minute without even trying…so fucking good. This has literally opened up a whole new world for me. Too bad that’s the last time I’ll ever be using it.
I got up to give them a good wash when I noticed there was a strange and gooey thickness to the bulb of my Vr6. The dildo also seemed extra sticky. That’s when it hit me. I started rubbing my fingers together. Still slick. Oh my god. The lube wasn’t water-based. IT WAS SILICONE. Maybe they mispackaged the PlowGirl with silicone lube. I began soaping up both toys under warm water, rubbing gently with my thumb as an entire layer of toy material came off the bulb of my precious Vr6. I’m freaking out. I’m not even thinking about what’s going on inside my body at this point. I’m worried about the toys. I finally get the lube off the Vr6 and hopefully that is the last of the material’s degradation on that toy. Then I start working on the MEO dildo. It is tacky as fuck. I already know this is a losing battle. No matter how much soap, gentle rubbing, harsh scrubbing, nothing is saving this dildo. The surface has become gluey. It reminds me of tar. There is no smell. It’s just ruined silicone at this point. My hands are completely sticky with whatever is coming off of the silicone. And THAT’s when it dawns on me.
Whatever my hands feel like is proooobably what my insides are feeling like right now. Jesus Christ. I waddle to the bathroom, grabbing my one and only douche I will ever use, a Yeast Gard probiotic, in a sad attempt to flush out whatever’s inside me. I use a gentle glycerin and fragrance free wipe to rub the remaining silicone lube from my outer crevices and I’m about ready to fucking cry. How could a company do this? How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I rub the lube between my fingers first to see if it got sticky? Because I read the label. I believed the label. So now I have two ridiculously gendered bottles of silicone lube, one PRETENDING to be water-based, one ruined silicone dildo, one completely toxic “Anal Gnome” that I can imagine few people ever putting up their ass (porn stars excluded, I’ve seen a couple scenes), and a complete sense of horror as to what’s going on with my body and how careless a company could possibly be to allow this to happen.
I am literally in tears writing this. REALLY wishing I read the review by Emmeline Peaches before I used it. Now I’m wondering if it’s not a case of one mispackaged PlowGirl but rather all PlowGirl lubes that have a high concentration of silicone without it being included on the label. This is no hybrid, it’s not oil, it’s not aloe. This is straight up silicone. And it’s fucking unacceptable.