Alright so we are fully mercury in retrograde and I’m in an all-or-nothing/catastrophizing headspace, so it’s entirely likely I might lose this post into the ether of technology or just get so mad at the keys for every typo I make until I begin screaming at the top of my lungs. Today was a stressful day. It was expected to be; Pride month has started and we’re in the middle of a major IT overhaul at the hospital, but just like when everything in my life overlaps in terms of what I do and who I am, it can overlap in some really shitty ways too. Like, the work situation is extremely frustrating in terms of my learning disability and my desire to finally grow into the roles I am clearly qualified and passionate about…but that’s a conversation for my therapist.
I guess I’ll start this post with a brief update, maybe throw in a thematic review or something, whatever. That’s the flow I have pictured in my mind as I’ve been clinging so hard to structure over the last few years and I fear I might have squeezed it to death. I graduated with my MSW in May, academic honors, an award for Service to Community Recognition for Rutgers’s Center for Social Justice and LGBT Education Rainbow Graduation, lots of certificates to frame and hang, possible teaching opportunities in the next few semesters thanks to my amazing mentors at Rutgers…I’m also like 99% sure my picture is going to be featured on Somerville’s little walkway billboard thing for Pride as a resident of the town and hospital employee yadda yadda…our class speaker, Marleina Ubel, named me and highlighted my commitments during her speech in the entire graduation ceremony, I’m on my own trading card, people are reaching out left and right to consult with me for several projects.
There’s been so much affirming, validating energy in my life over the last few months reminding me that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in my trajectory. The pace at which I lived my life over the last two years was so full and so rigid that although I was in Stress City, I could rely and lean back on knowing that there were distinct time frames to which I could dedicate my work and specific time frames when I knew I needed to take off that hat (even though I still find that transition damn near impossible). Pretty much every area of my life is informed and informing my work, whether that’s just hanging around town outside Retro Classics while engaging in random conversations about LGBTQ+ opportunities and causes, playing Overwatch with my queer online community, checking in with fellow bloggers, watching movies with classmates, shit, even talking with my therapist still directly links to career brain.
For a month so saturated with Rainbow Capitalism, a time when I usually enjoy blasting the shit out of marketing and media for inundating people with performativity, I feel like I’ve already hit my limit in terms of queer discourse. I know it’s inextricable: the closest thing I have to self-care is digging into the dirt of my garden and even that feels like queer culture sometimes…but I just, I just don’t know how this all fits together right now. And I know maybe it’s supposed to be messy, but I’m still riding the momentum of this degree and my certification in Child and Adolescent Well-Being with a concentration in LGBTQ+ Advocacy, thinking “Okay, what now,” chomping at the bit for any morsel of direction or promise. And I still have to study for the damn LSW exam by the end of June which again, overlaps in a not-so-comforting way.
I’m struggling at work with the new system because of my dyscalculia, and I’ve failed all my practice exams for the very same reason. I struggle with taking tests. Not necessarily the hints, strategies, key words, mnemonics, or acronyms, but simply the format of multiple choice. I’ve gone from writing 25 page single-spaced strategic plans on opening a hypothetical pleasure-focused resource center by and for the Asbury Park community to now facing a 4-hour exam which determines the next major steps of my life.
So I guess for just right now, focusing on the present, I was faced with some options as I got out of work this afternoon and almost began hyperventilating. I could either fumble around for something to do, riding out my caffeine binge and likely cleaning frantically or getting salty in videogames, I could study for the LSW exam, or I could write. I’m still in the mentality of needing to create something, and I figured conjuring up some semblance of a blog post could scratch that kinetic itch in a way that disrupts my feelings of inadequacy on the work front.
TL;DR… Life has been great and super gay, but the transition post-graduation has been really rough on how I determine where I spend my time and energy.
I’ve gotten SO many new toys since my last blog post; I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I got a Jollet Thrust, a Number One Laboratory Amethyst Geode, a Lovense Ferri, a Blush Nocturnal that blows the old We-Vibe Tango out of the water, a Crystal Delights plug, a Lovehoney Galaxy Super Soft Silicone Dildo…just so much good stuff. But for today I wanted to bring up a couple of custom pieces I recently got. Customs mean many things to me in terms of feeling connected to makers, feeling validated when I get a product that comes out exactly how I wanted it to (almost akin to the feeling of helping create my own tattoo design), and that overall collaborative effect when supporting crafters and how that ripples into a bigger picture of increasing visibility. I’ve talked about customs before and what that process has been like, whether that’s a personal message from the artist checking in to update me with developments or even sending extra goodies in the package.
Two major customs I’ve received in the last few months have come from TheCottageCoreWhore and EroGeisha. Both reflect my geeky side, but also reflect a lot of the friendships I have made in the last year. I’ve been seeing someone who runs a videogame store downtown…the one-year anniversary of my back surgery in June is also when we first officially started connecting as I watched his Twitch streams while recuperating in the Poconos with my parents. Mind you, I had my eyes on this dude for years after seeing him at various cons, so when I moved to Somerville, I crushed even harder. One thing led to another and not only did I end up becoming a part of his life, but became really close with a lot of his amazing friends. Like there are no words for how amazing his friends are. My friends are. These people. Whatever. It’s just this lovely mix of humans from all different walks of life who bond over nerdy shit with traditions like Eight on the Break Tuesdays, fighting game Thursdays, and Monster Movie Sundays. I never dreamed I’d be such a huge Godzilla (ahem Mothra is bae) fan, and I feel like I’ve learned so much from them.
Two of Cameron’s (that’s his name) best friends joked with me that I should get a custom Pac-Man dildo made since it’s one of Cam’s favorite games, and I reached out to TheCottageCoreWhore on IG to see if it was possible. Sure as shit, this thing came to fruition, and it sits atop Cam’s cabinet of Pac-Man memorabilia in a way that brings together both of our collector mentalities; it’s super fucking corny and adorable and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Like I said, it’s been a year of abundance, and being with someone who never had previous exposure to sex toys and consistently provides feedback for me every time we use one is a joy of theory meeting practice in a really affirming way.
Although it’s not my favorite dil, the Pac-Man custom proves, yet again like many of my pieces, that a toy doesn’t need to serve a certain prescriptive function in order to fulfill their value and purpose in my collection. I have a ton of toys I don’t necessarily physically enjoy but still represent something precious to me…kind of a “pleasure of the text” situation in phallic form. The Pac-Man is a custom 6 inch dildo, not really my ideal length or girth, and it has a scrotum that doesn’t really hold firmly enough to the shaft for me to use it as a grip when thrusting. There’s no flared extension at the base even though I know there were options for it, so it’s just not the most easy-to-maneuver toy but also not completely cumbersome.
I love it nonetheless, as each character is suspended perfectly in clear silicone, even placed with the intentionality of having the ghosts chase Pac-Man up the shaft to the tip. It’s comical, a conversation-starter, and done really well by a maker who was just starting their business at the time. I feel tickled I was able to support them with my purchase and really glad that I can write about them here. In addition to customs, TheCottageCoreWhore also puts out drops in their IG stories here and there, so if you’re following them you might see some products up for grabs at awesome discounted prices. I got a really cool unicorn horn from them made up of extra silicone pours they had from previous projects. A few colors had glitter and glow-in-the-dark elements, and I’ve always wanted a unicorn horn as many makers offer them. So for forty bucks and a completely unique product…you just can’t beat it.
The second custom fell into my lap by providence divine (okay it was actually a Twitter post), modeled after a Ramune bottle. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Ramune, whether my old college days where I created a wire wrap necklace with one of its marbles or my ongoing quest to find as many flavors as possible. I had been eyeing EroGeisha’s products for a while, especially their Takoyaki tentacle-inspired dildo. When I saw their post about the Ramune dildo, I knew what had to be done.
This process was full of great surprises, from finding out that EroGeisha could actually implant a rattle inside the dildo to make it sound like an authentic bottle, the fact they could make it with rainbow tie-dye colors, the extra merch that came with the package, and the overall usability of it. Let me tell you, that rattle is NO gimmick. I remember always wanting a FunFactory Bouncer because of its novelty and great reviews but not really wanting to shell out that much money for something I was unsure if I’d like. With the Ramune dildo, I figured that even if the rattle wasn’t for me, I’d at least have a really kitschy piece in my collection.
But holy cats, that rattle RESONATES. DEEPLY. Like I can actually feel it clack against my G-spot during thrusts and it was such a delightful bonus. Another element of this dildo which I never considered until actual use was how the firmness of the silicone and the texture would feel. It’s not a G-spot dildo and yet it stimulates it with the ridges along where the cap would be. The little lip separating the “cap” from the rest of the bottle feels amazing during initial entry and just generally sitting inside of me. I still can’t wrap my brain around how one tiny rim of texture can make such an impact but I’m so cheesed that it does.
And although the bottle doesn’t have a base, it doesn’t really require a lot of deep thrusts in order to feel full, so I can use the lower half of it for an easy grip. The drag of the silicone surface also helps when I’m clenching onto it…Cam agreed it was notably easy for him to use on me even when I wriggle around. And if you’ve read my blog before, you know how much I love those times when a toy affects me unexpectedly. Whether that’s a squishy textured corncob or an unusually rounded pumpkin plug, that moment where I realize a toy offers so much more than I visually anticipated is a really grounding reminder to hold space for the variability of pleasure in whatever form it takes along time and space.
So yeah, two great customs, unique in their own ways, wonderful additions to my collection, made by folx who clearly put a lot of thought and care into what they create. June is going to be jam-packed with companies promoting rainbow products, some for really great causes and some just to cash in on the season…so if you’ve been overwhelmed by the heavy promotion or maybe even already own your fair share of LGBTQ+ inspired toys and are looking for something a little different, I absolutely recommend both TheCottageCoreWhore and EroGeisha. If you’re still looking to get your hands on something Pride-themed, you can always check out this post for a presentation and YouTube clips about the companies I endorse (will never stop singing my praises for Blush, though 😉). We’re in a weird time of colorful recursion, which is saying the least. But we can still show up and be here for one another however we can in that moment. For me, today’s moment was a blog post. Tomorrow who knows. Maybe I’ll finally get around to studying for the LSW.