It’s time. I don’t know how to begin, where, why, etc. I just know it’s time. I’ve had at least a dozen shower thoughts over the last few months on how this post would begin, reminding me of rehearsing a script before a therapy session, whether that’s me as the therapist or me as the client. Yup. I’ve been a part-time therapist for LGBTQ+ clients at CogniCare over the last 6 months. Yup. The practice I’d refer patients to back when I worked at PROUD. “When I worked at PROUD.” Wow, that feels really different typing out versus just briefly glossing over it in conversation. I left my PROUD family to begin a new chapter of my life as a full-time Patient Navigator for Gender Affirming Services at Planned Parenthood Metropolitan NJ. A position I had ached for so badly while at PROUD, wanting to work by Danielle’s side and be a part of all the change and love she spread throughout the community. A position I now have because of my fellow board member from Masakhane and brilliant sex educator at PPMNJ, Bethany.
It’s happening again. Full-time navigation, part-time therapy, coalition meetings, sex toy workshops, new romances, meaningful tattoos. It’s all overlapping. And I can keep putting off this post because I am at the tip of the “overlap iceberg” in my own self-discoveries or I can just, you know, fucking write and see what happens. Which will, as it usually does when I get momentum going, get super long-winded and then suddenly stop because I’m in the process of doing the very overlapping things I am trying to capture on the keyboard. I’ve been playing a lot of keyboard, speaking of which. Something about it infuriates me like a good challenge, from the intention tremors in my hands to what feels like an increasingly foggy memory…the daily mini crossword on the toilet isn’t really stimulating my synapses anymore. I guess terrible videogame covers are it right now.
My attention span has been shot, too, which I need to give myself a little more grace with. I’m finally doing all the things I said I wanted to do in two careers, writing letters of support, helping with grants, training affiliate-wide staff, attending nationwide meetings, compiling resources, connecting with trans providers in New Jersey and across the country, meeting all new patients in my OWN FUCKING OFFICE, WAIT WHAT?! No seriously, it was a week in and I already had an office with a standing desk that I’m turning into an art gallery for various queer and trans artists, including little labels under each piece to promote their work. It’s so reciprocal, but reciprocal doesn’t quite describe the energy in my life right now…it feels beyond transaction, no quid pro quo, no sense of competing for seats at the table. That whole spiel people give about how everyone has their own skills and can shine because of their unique lived experiences? It exists. It exists here. At my job. In my life. I feel like throwing up, my cheeks are hot, and I feel like I’m going to cry.
Every damn day I have to wrap my brain around something new and amazing I thought I’d never experience, something I thought I never deserved. But here I am, experiencing it and deserving it. For as inundated as I was with the word over the last three years of my life, and for how bittersweet that path was, I feel so wholesomely and compassionately “proud” of myself. No wait…yup. I AM going to cry. The world has held me lately. It’s simultaneously terrifying and cruel and nourishing and warm. The cognitive dissonance of the thrill in spreading my Mothra wings to soar and remembering that everything is still on fire is dizzying. And it’s like I said to my therapist, my supervisor, my loving friends, partners, colleagues, former colleagues, and family. I’m thriving in my existence right now, and I don’t think that needs to be indulgent in a way that’s bound to values or binaristic morality. I think that growing into my queer joy has transformative potential too. I know it does, let me stop with that iffy “thinking” crap. I know it does.
People reach out to me, saying they’re living through me right now, the vicarious pleasure they’re feeling from seeing me at peace and starting each new day with the same jaw-dropped awe as though I’m unboxing a new vibrator. I feel reborn. Free, self-directed, and goddamnit I feel sexy as hell lately. Like, so sexy. SO confident. I just put my chin in my hands for a moment to feel the heat of my cheeks and bask in the fact that I made my own damn self blush.
One change I already felt within myself over the past few years is how I’ve deepened my commitments to sustaining relationships with people and forging new ones. I used to have this tired line I’d give people when we parted ways about how, realistically, I was unlikely to keep in touch because I was “terrible” at doing it. That’s not me anymore. I don’t know if it ever was. Maybe I was just scared. But I’ve kept in touch with people from all parts of my life lately, even people I had hurt over 15 years ago and thought would never want to speak with me again. I’ve said it before in previous posts: people CAN change. And they can’t. I’m pretty sure I used those exact words. Either way, Aries season is about to rain fire and I’m charging full speed ahead while hooking my horns around everyone close to me. Yes you, you’re coming too, if you want.
And I’ve also left some people behind. And that’s okay too. Not everyone wants to come for the ride. Not everyone gets to. AND I’m dating someone new, with that being said. Someone who has given me an entirely new appreciation for radical vulnerability, for cracking open my mind, for showing me that being a dad who loves with their whole heart is celestially beautiful beyond anything I could ever imagine. That whole vicarious joy I talked about before? I have the cheesiest smile on my face right now just thinking about how much he adores his babies.
It makes me feel so appreciative of my own father, having a person like that in my life who loves people unconditionally, weirdness, warts, and all. You’d think I wouldn’t mash up family and sex toys. But you’d be wrong. And if you knew me, like really knew me down to the pith, you’d know why my brain skipped no beats transitioning from talking about good parenting to talking about sex toys. Vibrators to stimulate tomato pollination. Explaining a Game of Thrones reference regarding a dildo. I’m weird, and the apple never fell far from the tree. Circles of sexuality, all that. It’s my throughline, my root. So let’s talk.
I’ve acquired quite the collection of new toys over the last year and yet somehow I keep finding myself going back to all the oldies and reassigning new meanings to them. It’s not surprising, as this has been something I do whenever I’m embarking on a new life chapter and reinventing my relationship with things, rituals, ideas I’ve once associated with people or circumstances I wish to move past. After my breakup with Mike, it was really difficult getting back into toys again until I was able to reclaim them. It’s similar to a good song, meal, or movie I feel deeply connected to and need to remind myself that they represent facets of me, a fragmented kaleidoscope of self-reflection that can be pointed in any which way and still retain a function and significance intrinsic to my own unique being.
My Lovense Ferri is one example, which I initially purchased to be used in public situations like arcade nights at 8 On the Break or other nerdy social activities. I loved the technology of the Ferri, the fact I could have more than one person logged in at a time to take control of it, a sense of silliness and camaraderie when friends would plug in the rhythm of the Terminator theme song while I’d be playing the pinball game (and inevitably losing due to the distraction and/or my lack of skill). I loved using it on my housemate, that deviousness of knowing I could watch her from across a room and see her squirm with an eyeroll or sassy smile on her face. But the Ferri, while about pleasure and fun, was never really intended for orgasms. I liked the psychological torture of it, the connections and memories it made, but it was a novelty thing. And then a new partner entered my life this winter, one who lives all the way out in Washington state. The Ferri wasn’t about novelty anymore. Psychological torture sure, but unadulterated lust this time.
A fiery Leo who matches my erotic and reckless Aries energy, dancing circles around my sexual rhythm, a partner who knows at any moment what my breath rate means or even the sexual subtext of a seemingly innocent “How are you?” When I told Kenny about the Ferri, it was game over, man. I knew that if nothing else, the way he holds my mind like he would hold my body is enough to make me feel so linked into him that I was undoubtedly going to orgasm from this thing. And the mind is a powerful thing. Then again, so are the Ferri vibrations. So lo and behold, I have had several orgasms at the touch of Kenny’s fingertips using this device.
Witnessing him learn so eagerly how to manipulate its modes, coming up with new patterns, giggling with glee when I forget it’s clipped to my underwear and he suddenly gives me a gasp-inducing jolt…it’s so affirming and sexy. I’ll never forget the vision of him on camera, his phone just within eyeshot with the app open, watching his hand reach to change the speed and me whimpering in anticipation only for him to jerk his hand away without touching a thing. Visual, audio, and tactile edging at its absolute fucking finest.
Specs-wise, the Ferri is about the size and almost the width of my thumb, with a slight taper and curve upwards as it progresses away from the ridged tip. Like I always say with toys, there’s no one single way to use this thing, just keep it out of your butt since there’s no flared base. Flip it any which way you want. Use the app or don’t, since you can control the vibrations by just pushing the button. Even with bottom growth, it still fits neatly between my outer labia and stays put, the shape of it tucking into me but not so bulky that I can’t sit with it. It’s comfortable whether turned on or off (pun intended), and the vibrations are so strong that they reverberate consistently throughout the device.
The magnet adheres with so much force I either need to get my thumbnail underneath the black disc to pry it off or just slide it using the texture of the printed “Lovense” on its silky smooth silicone to push it away from the toy. It comes with a replacement magnet, but I anticipate this isn’t because the magnetism is going to weaken, rather, if you drop it anywhere near something remotely magnetic, like behind a radiator or down a vent, that thing is gone and stuck to whatever it touches. The silicone has zero drag and is easy to clean, plus it’s waterproof with a magnetic charger which plugs into any USB port. It holds a charge really well; Kenny can edge me for over an hour and it showed no signs of dying at all. And finally, maybe most importantly for some people, it is oh so quiet. But that could also be my deliciously thick thighs insulating the noise, and if you’re sitting on something hard like a plastic stool, it’s probably going to transmit sound down both your and the stool’s legs.
I’ve talked to so many people who use or want to use Lovense products. I was in the middle of teaching a toy workshop last month when an attendee talked about their partner’s experience with the Max 2. And as always when I learn and share experiences about toys, listening to them review it and show how its mechanisms worked was a glittering moment of bliss for me, as it’s definitely something Kenny and I want to try in the future.
One of Kenny’s many green flags (like, SO many, holy heck), is how authentically sex positive he is. One of our first conversations in Discord with our friends was focused on his love of the Tenga Flip Zero. So naturally for Valentine’s Day I bought him a bunch of other Tenga products including the Spinner, the 3D, and two bottles of lube. He commissioned a portrait of us from our best friend in “selfie mode” because we won’t be able to take one together until the summer. I’m shaking my head smiling at our love languages as I write this. It was easily the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me on a Valentine’s Day. And I sent him fuck sleeves.
NEVERTHELESS: the Tengas have gotten a lot of use, to which Kenny agreed to write a guest spot in this blog post and I’m not editing a single thing in it… take it away, lover!
I’ve been tasked with writing a blurb about my sex toys, and I’m just excited I can be a part of this blog! Me?! Hell yeah! I have been given a lot of power being told “I’m not changing anything you write.” So now I have a huge urge to just write stupid stuff and make Avery roll their eyes, but I’ll contain myself. I had a few prompts I tried answering like bullet points, but I think it’d be best if I just talked about them all since my thoughts started to all blend together anyways.
I started using toys shortly after I had a break up and decided it was time to start the sexual healing process, and explore my interests because I do what I want and I wanted to “treat yo’self”. I made my own for a while which was cool and all but it got old, so I looked up penis sleeves and eventually decided to go to a local sex shop to see some in person. I ended up walking out with 3 Svakom Hedys, the blue, pink, and white egg.
These were great for jumping into the sex toy world. They were affordable and safe to try. A summary and experience of the 3 would be
Blue – from what I can understand blue is supposed to feel like a mouth and it wasn’t very good for me, didn’t offer much in feeling besides an equal pressure all around. What’s a mouth texture without suction????
White – I didn’t like this one much at first, but eventually I started to use a light pressure on it and I figured how to make it shine. The tiny ridges really make for fun changes during sessions.
Pink – it has like…5 main ridges, they’re solid and pretty firm which was nice for me. The best way I can describe it is that it was like entering someone 5 times and then exiting 5 times in a row which I’m all for.
With these they’re all easy to clean. Just wash immediately use a mild soap or toy cleaner and pat dry with a clean towel or paper towel. They’re supposed to be single use, but I used mine until they started to show signs of wear. I got rid of the blue one pretty quick, but the pink and white I kept for a couple months, rotated uses. I’m not a daily ‘bater so YMMV.
Eventually I was ready to upgrade to something more serious. I got the Tenga Flip 0 for black friday I think, and for V-day i got a wonderful gift of a Tenga spinner and a Tenga 3D polygon. So on to those
Flip 0 – fanciest one I’ve tried and probably my favorite. It opens up fully so it can clean easy and has easy prep for use. It has….3 zones? First is a soft ball with texture the I feel is supposed to simulate a tongue, and on the other side has more intense ridging that kind of…flicks? That’s the best was I can describe it. I don’t know maybe you can see in the picture but it’s cool you can rotate it around for different intensities and feels how you want it. The 2nd zone is the same knobs all around nothing really more to say about it. 3rd zone is a weird hooded ball that is fun to get into but I don’t think you can enter the hood but it’s fun to get up in there. My favorite part is you can push out all the air and make a vacuum in it for suction. You can control the strength of it and overall it’s an experience when you get used to all you can do with it. It’s great for intense heavy sessions and also more gentle love making times.
Tenga spinner Shell- this one was a treat. It’s intense, knobby, tight, and suctiony.
The plastic spring in it sure twists it. It has so much texture and all the air gets pushed out as you enter, I think it has more of a vacuum that the Flip, and harder to get off than the Flip but in a good way.
3D polygon – I didn’t like this one at first. I couldn’t feel the texture, the firmness was different, material felt different, it just wasn’t what I was used to. Gave it a couple more tries and now I like it a good amount, and I can feel the grooves. It isn’t intense so I like to use it when the mood matches that. Nothing fancy about it, no bells or whistles, but in the end, I find it something I’ll use in my rotation often enough.
I talked about it briefly but the Flip is the easiest to clean IMO, while the hedys and 3D are equal difficulty (just turn them inside-out), with the spinner being the hardest just for the fact you can’t to my knowledge turn it inside-out. A bit of warning with the 3D is that it can launch whatever is inside it when you invert it so be careful of cannoning your lube, cum combo all over your backsplash. For cleaning though I just use dish soap, any gentle soap would work too, or just by toy cleaner since I’m sure it’s really the best for them. All the fancy toys each came with their own drying stands but I just leave it in my dish rack…. where babysitters and ex’s can accidentally see it and makes for funny stories to friends. Eventually I put them somewhere safe once they’re fully dry.
I missed a few prompts that I think would be good to go over, one is lubing. They’re all easy-peasy to get ready, just put some lube down the hold and a little bit on the entrance and you’re good to go. The hard part is figuring out how much is enough. Too much and you’re leaking everywhere and making a mess, too little and you can feel friction heat and that’ll cause your toy to degrade faster. After some questioning I recommend using just water based lubricants, I have a couple different viscosities from some random brand on amazon to “slippery stuff” and one with menthol in it. I complain about this often but I do wish Tenga would rename their brand lube. Hole Lotion is a cursed name.
Another prompt that felt oddly specific to me was a bout Lovense products. I’ve talked with Avery about their app-controlled toys several times and for ones I’d try…to be honest I’d try them all probably, but the only one I can see myself putting money towards is the Max 2. I think the ability for one’s partner to control it is what sounds the most exciting. I don’t feel there’s many choices for sleeves that are able to be controlled by someone else, and with how online and long-distance dating isn’t uncommon at all anymore especially after Covid, I feel that this market should get some more effort in it.
For my final thoughts/summary if you’re interested in masturbation sleeves at all, just go try one! The “Disposables” are like $6-$9 and last longer than they recommend for the most part. Some people do just wear them out in a session and I’m intimidated by that. I’m going to go with a personal thought here and use gendered terms since I only know experience as a CisHet. I always felt there was a stigma for guys owning fleshlights and other sex toys, as if it’s like… a degenerate thing to do, have, or use. I think it came from how jokes were delivered when it was something that was talked about. In the end I realized that is silly, and I deserve quality, quality time to myself and there is nothing wrong with using an aid for it. If you are self-conscious or have doubts, I want to encourage you to do what I’ve been doing that past year and “let go for dear life” and treat yo’self. You deserve it! You are amazing! Take care of them and they’ll take care of you. Also I love you Avery, and I can’t wait to spend time with you later! <3
Thanks babe! Okay, so piggybacking off of Kenny’s thoughts on Lovense sleeves, there are two which initially piqued our interest: the Max 2 and Calor. Some of Lovense’s products even pair up, meaning they provide haptic feedback (just a fancy term for vibrating responses to touch, but I’ll roll with it) when people are using each of their toys at the same time. I was talking about this with a friend of mine who wants to try this with her boyfriend when we both paused to consider how, especially during the isolation of the pandemic and so many other barriers, Lovense’s products are literal lifesavers.
Growing up in an era where cybersex in AOL chat rooms and 900 hotlines were the closest thing to sexual interaction via tech, the fact that someone can use their kegels and somewhere across the world another person feels their sleeve contract is incomprehensibly wonderful. It says loads for sex work, disability, long-distance relationships, kink, and so much more. Kenny and I are vacationing to California in August to meet for the first time in person, and I am absolutely bringing the Ferri. There are just too many possibilities not to bring it. And even though I’d probably never do it, we could be in two entirely separate airplane bathrooms mid-air and the Ferri would still work with Wi-fi. That is just beyond. Life right now is just beyond.
So I guess I’ll close this whopper of a post, if you’ve even gotten this far, by reminding you that Aries season (linking to a Google search result because I typed in “Aries,” “Mothra,” and “meme” and my new tattoo comes up, what is life even) is rapidly approaching. As is my birthday, March 31st, the same day as the International Transgender Day of Visibility. My birthdays these past few years, whether because of the pandemic or just me getting crotchety in my older age, are not of much importance anymore. The International Transgender Day of Visibility is. So if you want, consider donating some money to a transgender organization. Buy your trans buddies a burger. Put your pronouns in your email signature. Whatever. But do something. Fire can sustain and destroy, and while I love everything Aries-related, I also can’t ignore the amount of damage being done to other trans folx around me. Especially the kiddos. Visibility is vulnerability, and trans youth are more vulnerable than ever these days. We don’t have to be parents to care about theybies, so let’s take care of them in any way we can. Deal? Deal.
