So with all the awesome blessings in my life right now, I’ve been busy packing up 6 years worth of belongings before my upcoming move to Somerville next Tuesday. I forgot I had a bunch of shit from my childhood in boxes up in the attic. One of these boxes had a whole batch of photo albums from disposable cameras during my teen years. I flipped through the albums, cringing, NOT at the photos themselves but the way I had captioned them. Things like “WUTZ ↑,” “Biffles 4ever!,” “Leonardo DiCaprio, eat ur heart out,” “We ArE sO kEwL!” You get the idea. I now realize this is psychologically genetic. My dad has kept photo albums since my childhood and captioned each picture with equally generationally corny subtitles. Even when he digitized these photos to an external hard drive, he kept all the awful captions in the fucking FILE NAMES.
I also found another relic in these boxes, a 2007 California Exotics catalogue, complete with vinyl-clad models in ridiculous positions on every other page. We stocked so much of this junk at Essex Adult Emporium, I could virtually smell the phthalates when flipping through the pages. I was blown away by how many shitty names, claims, materials, and packaging were in this magazine. I distinctly recall encouraging my manager to switch our inventory to better manufacturers, but I also remember there being at lease SOME toys from CalExotics that weren’t completely horrible. I mean, yeah, the hard plastic vibrators are still an okay start, bullets work too, but I’ll be damned if I could find a single silicone toy in this entire 300 page catalogue. Plenty of toys SAID they were silicone, but as most of us know, that’s a whole other thing.
So without further ado, I will begin a series of horribly captioned pictures for my “Top 40 Worst Toys” from the 2007 California Exotics magazine. I’ll describe the captions and use alt text with a bit of color commentary in between. I’ll also try to rank them from bad to worst but some of them are so off the map I don’t even know where they fit.
40
Starting out at number 40 is the Shane’s World Girl’s Night out. This dual-stim vibrator features an “EZ load battery case” and is made with “high grade, hygienically superior silicone,” two things I immediately think of when it comes to going on the town with my “girlfriends.” The toy is clearly not silicone and I guess having a jelly elephant twiddling your clit is the ultimate bonding experience during femme hijinks?
39
39 is the Remote Control Silicone Arouser. Totally not silicone, totally thrown together with flimsy bra straps, complete with a protruding nubbin which I can only assume is supposed to vibrate internally while the rest vibrates externally. Full disclosure here, since I had a 50% off discount while working at the sex shop, I actually bought one of these as my first “couples toy.” Nothing about it fit any part of my body and I lost the remote after the first failed use. Garbage. Trash. Next.
38
38 is another one of those “hands free” strappy jelly vibrators, except this time it comes with a wired controller so I’m not really sure how this would pan out in one of those scenarios where you are trying to have a stealthy orgasm in public. I can just imagine the neon pink controller looking somewhat suspicious as the matching pink wire runs down your pants. What really got me laughing was the name, “Scintillating Sunflower (TM).” Note the trademark. I can only assume it’s because whoever named it thought “scintillating” was a fancy word and the alliteration was poetic genius.
37
Back in fake “silicone” land is the Silicone Ultra Wireless Exciter with Sleeve at 37. Normally when I think wireless I think there’s a remote option to control it. It’s just a mini bullet vibe. A mini bullet vibe with a control for “vibration, pulsation, and escalation” (These modes sure escalated quickly!). Again, the “hygienically superior” pitch becomes more and more common as these toys continue to profess their silicone composition. Over it.
36
In similar veins, 36 and 35 are featured on the same page. 36 is again, the fake Silicone ULTRA Flashing Crystal Bunny, y’know, in case you get lost in the woods or need to defend yourself against a bear. We sold this in the store and it smelled like absolute death. The texture was rough and bumpy, a perfect recipe for irritation.
35
35 also smelled horrible despite its description as a grape-scented Veined Double Dong. There are only a few fruity-scented items in the catalogue, but many of the worst smelling phthalate-ridden toys interestingly have a “Pleasantly Scented” stamp on them. My main issue aside from grape stench, is the description that it has an “AC/DC head.” I’ve never understood the AC/DC thing when describing sex toys. I’ve heard it referred to in voltage, I know it’s a band and also a pretty shitty way to describe bisexual people. But as far as double-ended dildos go, just…why?
34
34 continues the aroma trend with the purple Grape Vagina and the pink Strawberry Ass. Smell aside, the descriptions are what kill me. The grape “vagina” (not “vulva,” mind you, which seems to be a reoccurring theme in the catalogue) is described as “Freshly scented,” while the Strawberry Ass is described as an “anus with noduled sleeve and succulent aroma.”
33
33 culminates our scent series with the Cherry Scented Vibro-Dong, most often recognized for Epiphora’s hilarious April Fool’s joke a few years back. We also sold this at the store and not only is it fucking HUGE, but it was always covered with an oily sheen of chemical leakage. Delicious.
32
Red wasn’t a very common color in CalExotics toys circa early 00’s, so most red toys were either fire-themed, berry-themed, or love themed. And what says love like number 32’s Love Vibes Double Lover, a supposed dual-stimulator covered in a swirl of hearts for texture. I say “supposed dual-stim” because the external part has absolutely no vibrating mechanism inside of it. It’s just this strange heart-shaped appendage barely attached to the rest of the vibe. AND the heart has hearts on it! That’s some meta lovin’ right there.
31
In the theme of bad concepts for dual-stimulators is the Bendi Clitifier at number 31. Yes, “Bendi Clitifier.” I’m pretty sure neither of those are actual words. I understand “Bendi” means “bendy,” since the external attachment has an accordion-like stem to position the bullet. Now someone, please tell me what the hell is a “Clitifier?” I feel like that would be an awesome wrestling name or something in the campy horror-porn genre.
30
Sometimes it’s a combination of the toy design and the name that makes my nethers twinge. 30’s Pink Jelly Ele with Turbo Pearls embodies that reaction. The shaft of this thing is entirely made up of “gyrating” plastic pearl beads with a vibrating elephant on the end. I can only assume the pearls jam up easily, as most of the shitty pearl rabbits we used to sell always broke even if just one or two pearls stopped working. I am, however, a huge fan of the description at the top of the box, “The Mystical Elephant.” It’s as though there were two sides in the naming process, one trying to make it cute as a “Jelly Ele,” the other trying to give it a supernatural spin. Either way, as my annoying handwritten caption states, I am completely mystified.
29
Now at 29, we’re back to the alliteration game. California Exotics went all out on naming this toy. It doesn’t rhyme, it flat out uses the SAME WORD TWICE. Kind of. The Climactic Climaxer is described as an “ultra-powerful vaginal arouser with 3 seductive pistolettes and a luscious, soft mouth that forms a gentle yet secure suction cup over your vagina or nipples.” I just had to type out that whole description, it was too good. Though I’m not sure if it’s actually possible to suction “over” a vagina? I’ve had a menstrual cup crookedly suck against my vaginal wall but again, not really any vagina sucking happening.
28
I think you get where I’m going by this point. 28’s Reverberating Jelly Beads are mostly on the list because of the word “reverberating.” I’m pretty sure someone just went to Thesaurus.com and typed in words like “vibrating,” “arousing,” “sexy,” and picked out any synonym they hadn’t used yet. “Reverberating” hasn’t been a go-to descriptor for anal beads as far as I’ve seen in the toy industry, but points for creativity.
27
There are pages upon pages of penis pumps with their own personalities. There were fireman-themed pumps, military-themed pumps, matador-themed pumps, but the one that really intrigued me was the Head Coach Pump at number 27. Complete with a picture on the box of a shirtless (what I assume to be) football player, the Head Coach Pump emphasizes the sports theme by claiming the product is “ERECTION TRAINING!” (Caps on the packaging).
26
Building off the sports theme is 26’s Shane’s World Orgasm Balls, kegel balls connected by string in various sports- themed shapes. Are you a renowned pool shark? A huge March Madness fan? Attending the next Super Bowl? In love with David Beckham? You’re set. Unless you really like badminton, then you’re just shit out of luck.
25
Back during my years attending Widener’s Human Sexuality program, one of the most common phrases uttered by my classmates would be “Well, as an educator, I think…” Often our classes would be shared with therapy-track students and the phrase broadened to “As a facilitator, I think…” Number 25’s latex “dong” is aptly named The Facilitator. This giant chunk of bulky latex comes with a corded remote vibrator which will inevitably break after a few uses and is held up entirely by what looks to be a thin, adjustable bra strap. Funny names aside, this toy looks structurally impractical in every way.
24
24’s toy doesn’t have cords, strings, or any name in particular. It is simply titled Gold Balls in Presentation Box, like it’s a fucking Monet painting. If there are any artists reading this, I implore you to name your next piece “Gold Balls in Presentation Box.” Except trademark it since CalExotics didn’t. I know I don’t need to say these balls are probably made of crappy mystery metal, but I’m saying it anyway.
23
23 introduces a whole page of Colt Products, typically designed for “The Gay Male (TM)” demographic. You can tell it’s for particularly EXTREME gay men because there’s a metal chain and a key ring at the base of every toy. And for some reason the Colt Rammer with Metal Chain includes spikes on what might be described as testicles? I don’t know. I can’t imagine that chain being a very powerful retrieval cord, but at least it’s not string.
22
At least Colt uses retrieval cords, because 22’s Silicone Ultra Probes (almost accidentally typed “Problems,” but that would have been just as accurate) has nothing at all. No string, no loop, no cord, no flare. Just pointy, “hygienically superior silicone” with a rough, bumpy texture that is bound to destroy your intestines the moment your lubey fingers lose their grip. I’m baffled at how many anal products California Exotics sell with no method of retrieval or security whatsoever.
21
Number 21’s Waterproof Anal Probe is at least hard plastic, but again, where is the fucking flare? There are NO excuses on this one because the prescribed usage is literally in the name “Anal Probe.” It is definitely going to probe. It is definitely going to go where no other butt toy has gone before. My insides hurt thinking about how it would feel to have a hard plastic probe working its way through my guts while left on vibrate. If this grosses you out, it well should. Not trying to yuck yums, but getting a toy lodged further and further up your intestines is pretty dangerous and a very expensive trip to the ER.
20
20. We’re almost there. Alexa’s Crystal Wand is not made of crystal. Its “stimulation beads” are well embedded in the toy for decoration, not sensation. There’s no flare. Moving on.
19
I keep thinking about the uselessness of the heart nubbin on 32’s Love Vibes Double Lover. I appreciate that 19’s Hearts of Love butt plug puts some function into the heart shapes. It’s really just the name I can’t get past. Like, “Happy Anniversary, honey! I got you a smelly jelly graduated butt plug with a ‘superior suction base!’” I’m pretty sure we stocked this at the store and it was so unpopular we took it off the shelves.
18 and 17
So anyone who’s read my blog knows I appreciate silly toys, so long as they’re actually body safe. Funkit’s Pumpkin Almond and Gespensts Farmer’s Delight mingle humor with functionality, and that’s really how it should be. 18 and 17 miss the mark by miles. 18’s Waterproof Bunny Treat is quoted as “Just like the real thing!” Except I don’t want the real thing. A hard, pointy carrot has zero appeal for any hole but my mouth. 17’s Vibra Dolce has me confused by the name. If they have to call the carrot a “Bunny Treat” couldn’t they call the corn a “Squirrel Treat” or something? Where the heck does the name “Vibra Dolce” come from?
16
Similar in texture is the bizarre number 16. Kind of a corn cob with the leafy base and the texture except not, because it’s pale purple and has a dick tip. What confuses me even more than the corn/glans combination is the name: Dr. Z’s Loving Vibrations. This is apparently a whole line by Dr. Z, also known as Victoria Zdrok, a sex therapist, playmate, and clinical psychologist. I’m wondering if she actually signed off on this toy and if so, WHY?
15
Another Doctor with their name attached to a CalExotics toy line is Dr. Joel Kaplan. I find the promotional methods interesting in comparison, Zdrok is dressed in a revealing nurse’s outfit and Kaplan is in a suit and tie. What’s more interesting is that I can’t actually find anything certifying Kaplan as a doctor except for a case filed by the FDA in 2001 telling him that his products are ineffective if not outright harmful. Makes sense when you look at number 15, the Dr. Joel Kaplan Prostate Probe. There are spikes on every ball of these anal beads. I don’t care if it’s the softest jelly in the world, that shit can’t feel good.
14
Another toy that looks far too spiky to be pleasurable is 14’s Man Shark Enhancer Ring. Even if these shark teeth did feel good, the “silicone soft ticklers” are clearly jelly and the whole thing looks like a bacterial gunk trap. All I can think of when seeing this is the “Suck my diiiiiick! I’m a shaaaark!” meme, hence the googly eyes I drew on the page.
13
As many folx already know, jelly and other shitty toy materials are often labeled with ridiculous names, like Sil-a-Gel or Cyberskin. Enter number 13’s Futurotic(R) Clitoral Stimulator with Floral Prongs. FLORAL PRONGS. This thing looks like a combination of an anemone and a face-hugger but pink. I could see it possibly feeling good if the material were better quality. Then again, the sleeve is removable so you could potentially use it once and just keep the bullet, but nah, pass.
12
The Floral Prongs look as much like a flower as the Stroker Bud does. This jelly masturbation sleeve is clear, but dyed on the inside to look like a tulip. The green part seems ridged and I’m willing to bet that after one use the dye rubs off all over whatever you’re fucking it with. There are a lot of fantasy sleeves out there made with far better materials that won’t fall apart after one use. The Stroker Bud lands at number 12 mostly because it makes me want to see some dude in an Easter bunny costume fuck it while lying in a spring meadow.
11
Or, if sticking your dick in a flower stroker isn’t your thing, you could always stick your dick in number 11’s Senso Pocket Penis. So, there’s no measurements in the description, meaning this stroker could very well be used for all sizes and types of dicks, kind of like how the Buck-Off operates. The dickception part is what gives me the giggles. Dicks in dicks. And if the person using it is a jerk named Richard, it could be dick Dick’s dick in a dick.
10
Then again, you could always stick your dick in Linn Thomas’s Talking Love Doll (number 10…we’re almost there!) It includes pre-recorded “sex talk” which has me wondering if there’s a way to hack the recording box to make the doll sing Pavarotti or yodel. This brings back childhood memories of my Teddy Ruxpin, which was cute until my sister hit me with it and the speaker inside is hard as a rock. I also just noticed that the description has “jointed arms” and “orbital sockets” in bold font as some sort of selling point. I don’t like to shame fuck dolls, but this is just some sloppy next level disaster shit.
9
A toy I WISH had a talking feature would sensibly be the Vibra Phone at number 9. The toy clearly dates the catalogue as it is a flip phone with an antenna, not even that cool RAZR I had freshman year of college. I’m not entirely sure which part of the phone vibrates, and its “Secret Agent” description has me thinking it had some real Talkboy potential. Okay, now I’M dating myself.
8
Continuing with the retro theme is the Funky Jelly Vibe at number 8. Coming in either pink and purple tye-dye or Nickelodeon-style orange and green, this vibrator could have had some real potential if the materials were better. This toy is unintentionally honest in its title, since Funky Jelly is likely to be the first thing you smell when opening the package.
7
Right now this is easily the longest and most extensive blog post of my adult life. I’m feeling exhausted and cranky. If only I had the Waterproof Mood-Light vibrator (number 7) to tell me my true emotions. It seems like only the head of the vibe changes colors and I doubt it’s actually thermal reactive which gets me thinking, is it possible to manufacture body-safe glass “mood” dildos? Because the 90’s kid in me would totally buy that.
6
My final throwback item from this catalogue that really makes me scratch my head is number 6’s Pussy Whip Flavored Body Topping. It’s obviously non-dairy and I really, REALLY don’t want to know what the ingredients are. I am cracking up at the flavors, though! First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of Cherry Rum. I’ve seen Cinnamon Schnapps and I used to nip my mom’s Blackberry Brandy when I was a teenager, but what the ever-living fuck is “Cherry Rum?” And WHY did they choose these flavors? Like, what would that demographic even be?
5
If you wanted to get creative, you could always apply your gross Pussy Whip with a vibrator that doubles as a basting brush! Number 5’s Body Teaser combines a hard plastic G-spot vibrator with what CalExotics calls “soft teasers,” aka polyester bristles with what I assume are for tickling purposes. Or a really ineffective toothbrush. Either way, it’s a bacterial breeding ground and one of the weirdest multipurpose “add-ons” I’ve ever seen on a sex toy.
4
Number 4 gives me flashbacks from my awful experience with MEO. Ruining one of my favorite toys with what MEO called a water-based lube (it was actually silicone) always makes me wary of any lube that is dubbed “Universal.” Like, nothing is universal, especially when it comes to sexuality. So when I saw this Universal Adult Toy Lubricant was “safe for all toys and materials” AND “silicone based” I wish I could say I was surprised at the error. I wish I could say this was the first time a company has been dishonest or uninformed about their lube ingredients. Number 4 is just frustrating on so many levels.
3
I think South Park is problematic for a lot of reasons and I grew up in a time where Snopes didn’t exist to debunk myths. There used to be unconfirmed rumors about Richard Gere putting a gerbil in his ass with a toilet paper roll, something so outrageous that people didn’t care about the validity but enjoyed the absurdity of it all. I once included this toy in a college sociology paper based on the folklore of “gerbilling.” That was in 2005. That’s how long this toy has been in existence. I can’t tell if there’s actually a market for it or if California Exotics is just too stubborn to discontinue it. The Gerbil Flex Stimulator is a bronze color with a little rodent face at the tip of the bullet. I feel like no further explanation is required for why it landed at number 3.
2
Butt Candy. Number 2. Appropriate, considering these plugs are essentially designed to scrape the shit right out of your colon. Even if these were silicone, there is NO WAY they could ever be “Hygienically Superior” based on texture alone. Yikes.
1
You made it! Number 1! Number 1 is so bad that you probably looked at the picture before reading the description. It is ALL HORRIFYING. The Dick & Balls Latex Penis Mask contributes the inspiring quote “Sometimes, you just gotta be!” Remember listen as your mask unfolds, challenge what the dickhead holds, try and scare your roommates in your own sweet time. Some may have more sense than you, others never want this view, my oh my…