I typically put off writing blog posts for the usual five reasons:
1.) Life is immensely busy
2.) My mental health is not great
3.) My physical health is not great
4.) I haven’t had a chance to test a product
5.) I have nothing to say about the product
I haven’t gotten around to reviewing Uberrime’s Night King, but none of those reasons really factor in. I mean yeah, I’ve been busy as hell and not in the best headspace lately, but I’ve been itching to write this review for months now. As in, my mom was giving me GoT 101 back in May to explain the name of this toy. I brought it with me to Aruba for a photoshoot in June. It’s been my absolute go-to for penetration these days. In my mind, I’ve reviewed it over and over. It’s time to get the brain-thoughts into a post.
The Night King checks off all my marks and then some. It’s beautiful, featuring Marco’s signature marbling and flowery-spun colors at the base. Like Ice and Fire, the rich sparkled blues transition perfectly into reds, oranges, and a creamy yellow that drips over the top in an unapologetically suggestive way. It looks like a sunset, a beachy cocktail, a wand of superpowers, each color ribboning with complexity the closer you look at each detail. It’s visually the most striking toy in my collection, the contrast of cools and warms making it grab the eye. I keep moving it from shelf to shelf each time I use it to see how it looks in different angles, different light, among different toys. Every aspect of this toy is breathtakingly gorgeous. And yeah, sometimes it’s not about how a toy looks as long as it feels good, but the aesthetic is truly part of what made me fall in love with the Night King. And I fell hard.
Like I’ve said in previous posts, being on testosterone for 5 months has changed my junk. I have bottom growth, which was pretty inevitable, but I also am having increasing difficulty penetrating with harder toys. G-spot toys with bulbous heads are becoming too pinchy. Toys with firm texture are becoming intolerably uncomfortable even with generous helpings of lube. When I saw the length and girth of the Night King at first I thought it would be damn near impossible to use it. And like many of my other favorite toys, it proved me wrong in the best possible way.
The Night King is textured as fuck. It’s ridged in seemingly random arrays entirely down the shaft, a slight tilt at the head with a bit of a rim, just enough to nuzzle my G-spot on entry and exit. Which for me, is half the fun of insertive toys anyway, that moment where something first slides in and my body re-remembers the sensation of being filled. But the Night King doesn’t stop there. Each inch that goes deeper inside of me brings a new ridge with a new angle and a new stimulation I can never fully prepare for. Like, fuck, you know a toy is good when you get horny just writing about it.
It feels like fucking, like straight up fucking. The squish of it makes the texture absolutely delicious, and the length of it makes use so much easier. I don’t have to cramp up my hand or hold it at awkward angles; I can get as carried away as I want when going at it hard. And the length, which is great for grip, is also incredible for deep penetration. Whenever I use the Night King I end up taking it as deep as it can possibly go, having convulsive orgasms as I hit my A-spot and push up against my cervix. That dull ache of being completely filled, my kegels squeezing the toy while it’s inside me, feeling the ripples move themselves against my swelling insides, the lush silicone warming up orgasm after intoxicating orgasm, ughhhhh. This toy is SO good and I wish I were home right now to use it.
See THAT’s why I haven’t gotten around to writing about the Night King. I can’t stop using it. I can’t stop finding new things I love about it each time. I typically masturbate with something vibratey on my clit combined with a dildo. I use the Night King without a vibrator these days which is definitely a first. I’ve never just used a dildo and nothing else. It’s not quite enough to make me orgasm on its own, but it brings me so close I don’t even care. Well shit, I have the hugest boner right now. I finally own a sex toy that I’m not just obsessed with, but actually attracted to. Like if I could have a relationship with a toy, any toy in my collection, the Night King would be bae. It is seriously the best dicking I’ve ever gotten and I can’t stop using it. I have not one negative or critical thing to say. I’m infatuated with this dil and cannot thank Marco enough for its creation.
If you like girthier, longer, squishier, more textured toys with heft yet ease of use, do your body a favor and grab a Night King. If you’re not sure but you have any ounce of curiosity, do your body a favor and grab a Night King. If you just want to swing around a floppy dildo for fun but also secretly want to test it out once or twice, do your body a favor and grab a Night King. Just grab a Night King… not mine of course, otherwise I’d stab you with Valryian steel and shatter you to pieces.
