(Links to the presentation featured in boldfont below!)
So I’m sitting here in my newly air-conditioned bedroom looking out on the beautiful day, waiting for my Telehealth therapy session and following Teams Board Meeting for Masakhane, dirt between my toes from propping up freshly transplanted tomatoes after they endured last night’s storm. I tried hardening them as I grew them from seed, but I started with the mission that even if one tomato plant survived, I’d consider it a success. I’m sticking to that mentality regarding a lot of things right now.
The semester ended, weirdly of course. But it’s over. 3 professors suggested I apply for the doctorate program, which while flattering, I cannot afford financially or mentally. It’s time to dig into this career. I have the whole rest of my life to flirt with a PhD. Now is the time to focus on the abundance I already have.
So enough of updates. My back is my back. I finished out what ended up being a glob-awful LGBTQ+ Issues course with a highly problematic gay, white, cismale, older professor, and my classmates and I have forged a lovely trauma bond from the experience. Which happens all too often in my academic life, so I’m going to try to spring this collaboration up and out of the shitty pedagogy into some nurturing and sustainable connections.
My final project for my LGBTQ Issues MSW course was about LGBTQ+ representation in sex toy ethics, production, and social reconstruction. It includes a video Powerpoint and a YouTube show-and-tell. Should I make it my next blog post?
For my MSW final project, I had the opportunity to re-present a redux of a workshop I botched at Widener’s CareersCon in 2016. I made a downloadable PowerPoint with notes, clickable links, and transcriptions, made a captioned YouTube presentation, and included a supplemental show-and-tell video to give a different experience to the content. Take your pick, there are options!
This presentation absolutely FLOPPED. Improvements have been made, I promise.
The board meeting with Masakhane starts in an hour and I just realized how cool it would be for us to host Sex Toy “Show-and-Tell” Zoom meetings: a space for us to show our faves, share what they mean, show how they function, do flame testing, ask questions give modular ideas, riff on the knowledge we have, etc. What do you think? Would you want something like that?
Insert all jelly puns here. Actually, don’t. Because the only jelly I want inserted from now on is the Uberrime Jellyfish 2.0 dildo. No K-Y, no Smucker’s (though chutneys are always welcome), and DEFINITELY no PVC mystery materials. Judging by the amount of double-entendres and jelly references I’ve been making since the arrival of this dildo, the Jellyfish 2.0 really shines as a conversation piece. The shimmer, the glitter, the glow-in-the-dark dribble, the texture, the squish, the size…it’s fucking gorgeous in multisensory aesthetic. And this jellyfish isn’t even that jell-y! It’s actually quite firm. I guess you could say the concept of this dildo has really gelled with my philosophies on the beauty of form meeting function. Okay, okay, time to reel it in.
Stardew Valley Jellyfish joy.
I’ve had an evolving relationship with tactilely complex insertables through the years. As bodies change, so do minds, preferences, desires, and reactions. Nothing in my blog explains this better than the “three bears” metaphor with my ocean collection (one too soft, one too hard, the Jellyfish 2.0 ALMOST just right). In addition to my Tails and Portholes Leviathan and my Simply Elegant glass dildo, Uberrime completes this trifecta of nautical novelties, stepping my fantasy collection up a notch with its (literally stunning) design and thoughtful approach. I missed the boat when I failed to get my tentacles on the Tails and PortholesJellyfish and the WhipspiderJellyfish before both companies closed, so I was super excited when She-Vibe shipped me this treasure.
Uberrime’s reboot packs a punch, one I’ve read about in review after review about the Jellyfish 2.0. So many beloved bloggers have been reviewing this particular dildo, generating a fascinating scuttlebutt for note comparisons. The marvelous thing about sex toy blogging is that there isn’t necessarily a scarcity versus abundance economy for content. Obscure toy reviews are super intriguing niche-reads; likewise, it’s also valuable to review toys which still exist on the market. When companies like Uberrime get the exposure they deserve, it provides unique opportunities as readers and reviewers to take advantage of new products and dispense as much information as possible. Since bodies and sensations are different among and between bloggers, it has been a true pleasure to read different interpretations of the Jellyfish 2.0 experience.
In a playful attempt at scientific “methodology,” I made sure to test the Jellyfish 2.0 several times before reading anyone else’s reviews. And so far the data lines up. I’ve read the word “pop” in at leastfourreviewsnow, and I’m going to go ahead and echo that observation. Unlike the floppy tip of the Leviathan head which made it difficult to guide inside of me, the Jellyfish 2.0 has quite a firm head in mild contrast to its shaft shore. This made insertion much easier at point of contact, but the moment its head gets completely inside me there is a tangible “pop.” It’s like the firmness of the coronal ridge drops off into the Marianas Trench of medium-shore squiggles and ribbons. The head locks against my G-Spot until I make a considerable effort with lube to push onward.
Glittery purple water bottle for scale.
My biggest surprise with the Jellyfish 2.0 was not my fondness for the shaft. I knew I’d enjoy the ripples the way I enjoyed the suckers of the Leviathan. I love hard silicone dildos when they’re smooth, but I prefer bumpy silicone at a medium shore. What surprised me was the unexpected discovery of my A-Spot. I’ve been able to feel my A-Spot externally by pressing above my pubic bone, a technique I learned from Girly Juice’s external G-Spot heart tattoo. When I mutually masturbate next to my partner, he can often help me orgasm just by adding external pressure to my A-Spot while I use my toys. I had never felt it internally with any previous toys until the Jellyfish 2.0 and when I say I was shocked, I mean my whole body twitched and froze like someone put a Petrificus Totalus curse on me. Apparently I said “What the fuck?!” with a tone of disbelief, fascination, and amusement, but I was so in my body at that point I had no idea what else was going on around me.
And because Adam worked so hard to make this GIF.
The Jellyfish 2.0, with its protruding head and lube-hungry ridges, will not be a dildo I use with vim and vigor. I appreciate how the tentacles extend and flatten towards the base, creating little risen and indented surfaces for my thumbs to pinch. I think that, given this dildo’s propensity to anchor inside of me, a wider, thicker, and firmer base akin to NYTC’s Shilo might give it better grip for thrusting. The base is just wide enough to fit through a metal O-Ring on my harness, but with enough tugging, the squishy flare gives way and the entire thing pops out. It’s a moot point dramatization since nobody is likely going to be yanking my dick like they’re starting a motorboat. Overall I think the Jellyfish 2.0 is probably more of an edging dildo than an orgasm dildo as it feels nice with slight movements, but anything too rigorous gets a bit uncomfortable as I get more aroused. It has certainly sparked my curiosity with regards to Uberrime’s ever-expanding line and I am very interested to try more of their products!
Watching myself in 2011 give a sex toy workshop for Masakhane is bizarre. It’s borderline uncomfortable. I see how differently I talk about toys now and how increasingly protean my workshops have become. I actually stop to talk to people…I don’t just run a checklist 101 script. I ask folx what they want to know, what they’re curious about, and I don’t go into my workshops thinking people know nothing about toys. For example, in the following video I’m training Masakhane interns; they’ve been in their summer session for a month now. They know their shit.
And are clearly very excited about this workshop.
Someone asked me Friday where my first foray into the world of toys began. I’ve never really talked about that before in a workshop. I’ve never gotten to just be like “Hey, I bought some terrible products when I was a teenager– it’s pretty common.” I’ve never gotten to be like, “That showerhead tho, amirite?” or reminisce about my shittiest purchases at Spencer’s. I’ve never gotten asked about why my family is so fucking cool with my sexuality. Actually, I’ve never gotten asked about my family in general during a workshop.
(PS: Click the video to get to the Youtube page… I provide full timestamps so you can skip ahead to topics that may interest you.)
I started this one by saying I didn’t want to do the typical toy rundown or prescribe any order or designation. And yet in a typical queer contradiction, I still lined all my butt plugs together and cordoned off a spot for the lubes. I’ve noticed how the toy selection has improved, how my knowledge has expanded to a more scientific realm, how enthusiastically I refer to other bloggers or toy makers. People change. Teaching and learning is all about change. I don’t know why I was so surprised by the directions this training took. Chaotic, funny, beautiful, and brilliant.
Folx were using squishy toys in all their sensory glory, angry rants were had about the importance of libraries, interns were matching dildos to each other’s auras…the whole thing was so fucking fun. It’s probably the most fun I’ve ever had teaching a toy workshop. I think I’ve said that before, but if anything it just confirms that I’m meant for this field. It reminds me why I do what I do, and how much I appreciate how advocacy manifests in all ways, from a workshop to a blog post. A glitter bomb at Newark Pride to a freshly untangled Vesper (thanks Shayne). It’s all relevant and critical and I can’t fucking WAIT for Woodhull next week. I can’t wait to learn more and feel more. To exist in uncomfortable spaces and find solidarity in unexpected places. I love what I do and I’m grateful as hell.
The summer Masakhane interns from left to right: Bethany, Maddy, Sarah, Lauren, Shayne.
Companies, blogs, and general websites mentioned in this workshop (in order of appearance):
So my previous post talked a lot about sponsorship and the financing of this blog. It’s a subject that’s had a lot of broader applications in my life, as I am looking to go back to Rutgers for my MSW and third Master’s degree overall. Widener, among its many injustices during my time enrolled there, refused my application for a clinical track switch within the Human Sexuality program. I attempted this switch with a ton of support, professionalism, and credentials, but because I was not “dual-degreeing” in THEIR Social Work program I was considered a “legal liability” and subsequently denied. So despite a decade in Sex Education and a Master’s in Gender and Sexuality from Rutgers, I didn’t have any extra cash to feed the Widener machine for their Social Work degree.
I was forced back into the Education track which was a curse and a blessing. I was lucky enough to meet so many amazing people who were also experiencing similar struggles with the program, and I learned more from my peers than the course material itself. I would never call Widener’s Human Sexuality program a total waste of money, but the educational experience seemed like a reductive and homogenized version of my Rutgers degree. They rarely allowed course credits from “outside” programs (because, c’mon, who really wants to save money?), insisting that their Human Sexuality program was uniquely intended to streamline students directly into the professional field.
Except not, because AASECT certification was withdrawn from Widener in 2014 and our graduating class was never grandfathered in or financially compensated for a very empty promise (one which still exists on Widener’s website even after certs have long ended…CTRL+F “AASECT”). And I agree with many folx that AASECT is not the “be-all-end-all” for an established career in sexuality. It’s again, often more money than it’s worth, and full of the same bureaucracies I fought at Widener. So I pick and I choose where my money goes, where my energy goes. A course on sponsorship by a fellow blogger I respect and admire? Well worth it. Inspiring dildos from aspiringindividuals and ethicalbusinesses? Fuck yes.
[Ironically, I’m listening to an M83 playlist on Youtube as I write this post and a fucking HPV commercial comes on, reminding me that I actually graduated Widener with fellow students who STILL don’t understand the importance of destigmatizing STI’s and that yeah, HPV is literally the common cold of the bunch. I’d shake my head in disappointment, but my fibro is making that painful today. Oh, and as for sex and disability? We got ONE course for it, an elective with Bethany Stevens…but where was it in the rest of our curricula? Okay, okay, I’ll try to stop perseverating and unclench my jaw. Which, in some ways, positively segues to the review below.]
My previous post also talked about how I’d be willing and happy to provide reviews to support brilliant makers, folx with their minds and hearts devoted to making this industry an informed and inclusive one. I’ve already reviewed two of Kenton’s works on behalf of his investments as Funkit and his overall awesome contributions to the community. I am stoked to be reviewing the NoFrillDo. I talk a lot about this new line for so many wonderful reasons.
Kenton is, in all senses of the word, an outstanding educator. The rationality behind every product, the attention to detail, the approach and interpretation is all meticulously thought out, from versatility to the way toys can fuck with expectations. Funkit makes toys that sort of “Easter Egg” me every time I buy one. As in, I’ll think about aesthetic, function, or design, and every so often go, “Oh shit, that’s something I didn’t think of!”
The NoFrillDo takes affordability, basic innovation in shapes, durability and ease, and mixes it with this really practical CMYK color model alluding to a digital era, one also characterized through Kenton’s process of 3-D printing. I’ve seen so many mindblowing ambitions for 3-D printing these days, but Funkit has given me a complex appreciation for it. Even how Funkit’s social media documents Kenton’s methods, models, molds, curing spaces, and pigmentation is a testament to the craft. The juxtaposition of flowing and organic colors within their computer-generated dimensions gives a delightful contrast, almost microcosmic to some spectrums of sexuality itself.
Cleaning and reorganizing the workspace and I found the original Funkit molds. They're a bit dusty, but in great shape. With I remembered what brand of ABS they were, I know how to fix the one problem it had now pic.twitter.com/VircgK9uN2
Making affordable NoFrillDos, promoting them with a well-conceived Indiegogo campaign, distributing them to sex-positive companies, getting them in thehandsofeagerreviewers, retaining the simplicity of selection…the whole significance of the NoFrillDo brings about such a breadth of opportunities that touches my heart and energizes my spirit. Masakhane’s next board meeting is before the Newark AIDS Walk this Sunday, and I’ll be recommending we buy as many of these as possible for our trainings and fundraisers.
I’ve had enormous success teaching condom demonstrations with non-representational dildos, opening up great discussions of sex toys in general. To be able to provide economically-sustainable silicone products to non-profits like ours would fuel a much-needed shift in narrative for how learners conceptualize sexuality on a holistic level. How one yellow, spiraled piece of silicone can be used non-proscriptively, how its size and form encourage play that connects mind and body.
I love this dildo for pegging. It is textured just enough for G-spot stimulation. Its shape prevents my TMJ from acting up during oral. Its base is firm but not too wide or thick, making it stable in harness or hands. Even the subtle ridges from the 3-D molds help my lubey fingers grip the shaft. It is an easy clean and repels dust. Whenever my eyes cascade my rainbow toy arrangement, the NoFrillDo always stands out, maybe due to its vibrant color, maybe due to its symbolism of what sex toys could mean to the world when created by the right people with the right intentions. It sincerely gives me hope for what was, is, and can be a reimagining of advocacy through sex toys.
So my birthday recently passed on March 31st, and despite living that typical Aries life for now 32 years…firey, stubborn, willing to get into fights with “high-horsed” folx, I’ve also heard the Zodiac has changed and supposedly I’m a Pisces? Which, to be honest, sort of makes sense. The water to my fire, the manic depression of my life, my tendency to socially withdraw but also want to flow and enjoy the fluidity of existence…even the way I write with ellipsis because I find discomfort in the permanence of a period. My living space has gradually taken on water themes in my places of relaxation, namely the bathroom and bedroom. (Interestingly enough my living room has always had red and blue themes…fire and water perhaps?) So I know the Zodiac is often what we make of it and many folx are saying the new shift is kind of BS, but if I could pick any other sign to replace the Aries I’ve strongly identified with for all these years, it’d probably have to be a Pisces.
After finally diving into the world of fantasy dildos with my Phoenix Flame Forge Monty the Manticore, I wanted to continue my collection, but also learned through my Damn AverageLumpy that soft silicone just wasn’t for me. I knew Tails and Portholes had so many beautiful nautically-themed pieces that came with dual density options, but was hesitant to shell out the doubloons right away. When the announcement came that Brandie would be closing up shop for good, the choice was made. The Leviathan I’d been scoping out needed to become a reality. I picked my colors (Mermaid’s Tail, a beautiful swirl of glittery blue and green), selected the dual density option, and waited for my loot to arrive.
What came in a lovely organza pouch was my Leviathan, a squishy, intricately detailed work of art with a gorgeous gloss and an extremely wide base. This is easily the most beautiful toy in my collection now. Every sucker, every ridge, every dip is so deliberately and brilliantly placed all the way down to the logo at the dorsal base of the toy. SO much thought went into the exterior design of this toy and I wish I could find more ways to show it off because it seems tragic to have it sitting on a shelf all day.
As far as function goes, I found myself expecting the wide tip and expansive shaft to leave me feeling full, which didn’t quite happen. During thrusting, the Leviathan just sort of mushed into me, and while the flayed head does give me that initial G-spot shock of “oh hello” when it pops inside, once I get to a thrusting motion I find myself wanting more. I tried using the Leviathan as a G-spotter to orgasm by pulling the head slightly out of me instead of thrusting it, but the softness of the head conformed to the shape of my G-spot instead of stimulating it.
Even with the dual-density, the silicone was just too soft to offer enough pressure, and the dual-density itself does not reach the G-spot tip. When I use it vigorously, I’m just wiggling it all over the place, going left and right but not really in and out. The Leviathan is acharacteristic from my experience with dual-densities like the Vixskin Mustang, Tantus’s Mikey, or my NYTC Shilo. Because The Leviathan’s dual-density doesn’t flare throughout its extremely wide base, the base itself gets a little floppy and bends when I try to get a grip. Even though the base is still really nicely designed, (there’s even a little thumb-dip) something still isn’t working and I think it might just be the large base circumference combined with the softness and overall weight of the toy. If my hands were a little bigger or my grip a little stronger this might work but right now I just keep cramping up.
For every cat hair I removed in this picture, two more flew in.
The advantage of the dual-density core not reaching the base, however, is that I am able to curl the Leviathan once it’s inside of me in order to rub all of the tentacle suckers against my bits. I can bend it in all different ways to meet different angles of my anatomy in order to stimulate my sensitive parts. It’s pretty electric for someone who doesn’t normally use texture for clitoral stimulation. (This is giving me a newfound curiosity towards Funkit’s Signet project). The suckers also make great sounds for folks into auditory stuffs, kind of like really yummy sex as each tentacle catches a bit of air and lube and flesh. It’s sort of a slurpy sex feeling I wasn’t really expecting, so added bonus! The suckers also work as little lube trappers, keeping the Leviathan from getting too slippery but somehow making it slick enough once the shaft is inside me.
Monty for comparison.
For science’s sake, I used Phoenix Flame Forge’s Monty the Manticore directly after The Leviathan to see what the difference in orgasms would be like. While I had difficulty orgasming with The Leviathan because of penetration frustration, I noticed that the Monty’s density was actually a bit firmer and Monty’s pointy tip actually gave me great G-spot stimulation as it held form during thrusting. Because of Monty’s slickness and shape, however, it was even more difficult getting a grip once fully lubed.
Monty warmed up, because I couldn’t resist.
Whereas The Leviathan’s flayed tip and bumpy texture kept it snug inside of me during orgasm spasms, the Monty went shooting out the moment I started pulsing. Both toys have their pluses and minuses. Overall, I continue to learn that I just really am not a fan of soft silicone, but given the beauty and now the rarity of The Leviathan and the incredible work Brandie does for Tails and Portholes, I am so proud to have this new addition in my home.
When I was approached by Liberator to review their Black Label Esse Chaise, I was sort of mystified. Like this blog post and even the Chaise itself, I didn’t know where to start or how to react. I was excited, I was intimidated, I knew the possibilities would be beyond my imagination and I knew things were really up to me for direction and choice.
Now, I’m switchy in all aspects of my life: kink, academia, picking a place to eat…when it comes to fucking on a gorgeous piece of furniture or choosing how to write about it, the same principles apply. Do I take the cerebral road and wax poetic about how this item has led me to reconsider disability, particularly in my anxieties over using it? Do I just get straight into the meat of the review because I think readers would be more interested in the form and function of the chaise for their own personal considerations, particularly given the price-point of the toy and the decisions required to make such an investment? I really don’t know.
The vacuum-sealed foam.
I know I could write a really lengthy post about the whole experience, and I’ve only really used the chaise for sex three times after having it for a month, but to be completely transparent, I’m contracted by Liberator to write this free review within 30 days, so time is somewhat a factor. Which plays into the first theme of my thoughts on disability. I’ve never reviewed something for a company before. Every review I’ve ever done has been without contract and that’s sort of alienated me from the rest of the professional blogging community because I fear my work has less value. I worry folks think I don’t put as much care into what I do because I’m not getting paid for it. I’m still not getting paid here, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t get a massively gorgeous $600 furniture kit for the quality of my writing, so here goes:
All expanded, before putting on the cover.
No, maybe I’m not a legit blogger. And that does do my head in a bit, mental healthwise. Seeing a contract for the first time certainly triggered some unexpected anxiety, and considering my primary partner and I don’t have the most frequent sex, scheduling time between my stressful semester, my back, his job, and our sick kitty to try out the Chaise has been a little tricky. What I have discovered, though, is that this Chaise is great not only for physical disabilities, but has done wonders for our neurodivergences as well.
Ta-Da! The Chaise’s new home.
Being that it is so supportive, grippy where it needs to be, the texture of the faux leather cover, the strong D-rings on the bottom, and the angles of the curves, the Chaise is like a little mental vacation once we get onto it. It’s like a really gentle inversion table at times, except I’m consenting to the bloodflow differential and I have all the fluff and back support I need. The headspace change happens almost the second I touch the Chaise. Just feeling the texture of faux leather in comparison with everything else in my apartment brings me a visceral awareness of my sexuality. It’s not as though I’ve fetishized the Chaise (well maybe I have, a bit), but rather just something about it that fits so appropriately with my identity, physically and spiritually.
Yes, I would say this is relevant to my interests.
I thought it was just me who felt that way, as the first time I used it I masturbated alone while my partner was at work. I worked myself into what felt like ten different positions with my Hitachi. I rarely orgasm that many times from a Hitachi; it’s usually one or two and I’m over-sensitized and blissed out, but something about the Chaise had this organically coaching feeling telling me that I could keep going if I wanted to, and I did. It didn’t cradle me like a bed. It was comfortable, but I didn’t want to just sprawl out and nod off into a sweaty mess like I usually do. I felt a weird out of body experience as the sun shone through the snake tank and onto my beating chest, like I was on display…for myself. It was really erotic and very confidence-building.
Truly at peace.
My partner had a similar experience when he used it on his own and felt really sexy afterwards, describing an energized state and attributing it to the position he was in, back rested against the higher slope and one foot on each side, toes dug into the carpet. He said that because of this, it didn’t strain him or tire him, but it also didn’t feel like a sleepy wank either, where he usually wants to sink back into bed afterwards.
The angles of the Chaise make it very easy to get out of, even if I’ve got my head at the lower slope and my ass at the highest slope, all I need to do is move one leg with gravity and I’ve got a firm plant on the floor. There is no “turtling” required, which I usually need to do to get off of my back once I’ve been in a sunken bed for a while. The Chaise is firm and supportive, but not stiff, so it holds both my 200 pound body and my partner’s 130 pound body in many different positions. I could be on my knees with this thing and it will barely make a dent. The Chaise really is a solid piece of material.
That lumbar support is crucial.
So the day finally came when my partner and I got to use it together. And it was funny, because we were both just casually showing each other how we each masturbated on it, but watching each other do that was so arousing that a full session evolved from there. Everything felt so good! I was amazed at how easy it was to be on top again, with him lying down and my legs on either side of the Chaise. It was the perfect height, and the dip in the middle gave him a great space for thrusting while I could use my legs to lift myself up and down off of him, plus the slope behind his head was great to grab onto for additional support.
One example of a doggy position.
I don’t think sex with me on top has ever been that easy in my entire life. The other position that blew us away because we never get to do it was doggy style. Normally, even off the edge of the bed, doggy style is extremely tiring on his legs, and I can never arch my back properly without it hurting my discs or triggering my sciatica. This has been so disappointing for us as doggy style was always my favorite position, and I used to be able to arch my back to work my G-spot really well. By positioning me in the dip of the chaise with him at the top of the lowest slope, he was able to use physics of all things, the gravity of the cushioning to help spring him back up each time he came down from behind. I’m not sure how much sense that makes, but if I’m laid out, hugging the higher slope with my legs spread, and he’s on the other slope with his legs together, he was able to get a really great entry angle for a virtually inexhaustible doggy style that left both of us very satisfied at the end.
Something I find equally valuable about the Chaise is the many usages for it. Currently it sits in our pet room between two bookcases. I keep discovering new things every day for this lounger. Just this week I needed to flip through about 20 books on sex therapy for a paper, and instead of kneeling on the floor, I luxuriously flopped over the chaise to read Jessica Benjamin’s The Bonds of Love. (Paging Dr. Freud!) My partner loves to steal the grippy pillow that comes with the chaise, as it has all these little nubbins on the back and looks identical to one of those medical lumbar pillows you put on a computer chair…which is exactly what he uses it for. We both love using the chaise as our viewing couch when we feed our snake, Princess Buttercup.
Awesome modular assortment for DIY tie-ups.
I should also mention that the D rings at the base of the Chaise have a distinctly kinky function for bondage, and Liberator was kind enough to send us a pack of their modular ankle and wrist cuffs, but for some reason we were unable to thread them through the D rings. The clips and straps were too thick to fit through, and to be completely honest, were a bit too complicated for our liking. The blindfold was fantastic, though! It even had a little lip of padding at the bottom for cheek comfort and kept me from being able to peek out the bottom (also great for multi-purpose, as my partner uses this blindfold to block out my laptop light when I’m up late nights in bed).
Though the D Rings were just a smidge too small.
We do like the D rings because they are sturdy as hell. They make lifting and moving the Chaise so easy, and for someone with a bad back, this is so crucial. Lifting by the D rings gives us a great grip on the thing and we have no fear of the cover ripping at all. They’re actually part of the removable cover, as the Chaise has two covers which are simple to take off, and as with any Liberator product, totally washable. Though to be honest, given the smoothness of the faux leather, I think a simple spot treatment should do. Overall I am so impressed with this massive product and would highly recommend the Black Label Esse Chaise for anyone who has the space for it!
Wellllll…the semester didn’t start quite how I wanted it to. A lot of us found out for the first time that Widener is no longer AASECT-accredited and so we do not get automatically certified upon graduation. This was apparently told to us during orientation but many of my classmates and myself remember it quite the opposite. Anyway. Not much I can do about it now with graduation coming in May.
Masakhane is getting really intense now that it’s incorporated into my practicum. I’m super excited for an upcoming Sex Positive Sex Toy Bingo we are hosting at Hell’s Kitchen Lounge in Newark. It’s been a LONG time since we held a fundraiser there and they’re always really fun. Hell’s makes a special “Masakhane” shot and we give away all sorts of goodies; this year all our toys are coming from SheVibe and I made sure they were blue and orange themed (Masakhane’s colors). I did throw twonew Tokidoki products in the mix because they had devils on them…maybe a Hell’s staff can win one or a hockey fan hanging out before the game.
I can’t believe this was 6 years ago. SO much fun!
Either way, I’m stoked, particularly after the abomination of a Sex Toy Bingo I attended at Capitoline in Asbury Park last month. They used to host it at Asbury Lanes and it was amazing…we even saw Rubber Doll perform and Bettina May performed some burlesque numbers. What it’s become and the quality of the prizes was gut-wrenching and I really hope Masakhane can offer folks a proper Sex Toy Bingo.
Info for anyone who’s interested!
The one great thing about starting a new semester is catching up with my cohort. Two of my best mates in the program did a holiday gift exchange with me, and this past weekend we got to give each other all presents. My two awesome gifts from them were interestingly enough both necklaces with secret functions. One is a tiny glass-blown oil diffuser, currently filled with Jasmine oil (my favorite flower). The other is a Crave Vesper, and well…it functions as a “Holy Shit” machine.
Remembered that Sex Therapy class starts next weekend and one of my classmates is gifting me a Vesper necklace. ::excitement intensifies::
I had wanted a Vesper for a few years now after seeing it in Kink Shoppe and one of my other classmates had one. But despite demoing it on my fingertips I never really understood how it would operate on my nethers, especially being so pinpoint. The price intimidated me, though it has since gone down considerably ($70 for the stainless steel). And though the novelty of having a stealth vibrator necklace seemed cool, I wasn’t gangbusters about it. As a gift however, the Vesper couldn’t fail. It looked cool, it finally gave me the opportunity to try it at no cost, and it looked to be a great conversation starter.
I won’t say I had low expectations for the Vesper, because the vibrations are strong. They tread the border between buzzy and rumbly, particularly at the strongest setting. With three speeds and one pulse function (which is way too fast and also way too weak), I really only use the highest speed of the Vesper. What suspended my hopes was the size of the tip, being that my typical clitoral approach is with broadly applied vibration. Particularly left crural radiating-type orgasms. Where the hell was I supposed to poke this thing? Would I just lay it flat?
Anything I put directly on my clit tends to get really achy or sore, especially as I get hard. The Vesper went against my instincts and indeed worked best with the tip pointed directly onto my clit. It’s shockingly stimulating in a way I haven’t felt since I started using vibrate-y things in high school. To be completely honest, it reminds me of being fourteen years old again and using the bristle-free side of my Sonicare electric toothbrush which then I shamefully hid in the dusty corners of my bathroom cabinet until throwing it out a decade later.
There’s something about the initial jolt of contact that sends my legs twitching and bring me close to orgasm almost right away. It’s not effortless…the stimulation becomes so intense that I need to take the Vesper off of me for moments, creating this building momentum which is again, an orgasm method I haven’t employed since my younger years. So it’s nostalgic in a sense. Frustrating, but in an endearing way, not in a “fuck it, I give up” way. The other thing about the hardness of the stainless steel concentrated against the hardness of my clit is I can feel the tip roll over my boner if I press hard enough, slipping side to side, which is a little uncomfortable. So I have to be precise with my positioning which gets a bit difficult as my legs are twitching and I’m doing this tantric “mounting orgasm” method and contorting my face and hands into all sorts of wacky shapes.
I mean honestly, more or less.
I absolutely love how the Vesper warms up. I definitely think that has something to do with my ultimate orgasm. It’s supposed to warm up, unlike the Jopen Lust 2.5, so I’m able to just let go and enjoy the sensation of increased temperature instead of worrying if I’m about to set my pubes on fire. Fashion-wise, the chain is a perfect length for my neck (bare but censored chest in the link), and the hole in the Vesper is wide enough to fit any chain of your choosing. Any toy with a DIY option makes me super happy, and I can imagine the Vesper looking awesome with a leather slipknot cord.
Redstone not required to charge toy.
Cleaning is a little intimidating as the toy is splash but not waterproof, so I try to keep the pad of my thumb over the silicone button when washing it. Charging is really cool, just unscrew the top, screw the charging dongle to the Vesper, and plug it into any USB charger. In all my uses, I’ve never drained the battery completely, and I am pretty diligent about keeping my toys charged, so I don’t foresee any charging issues with this toy.
We had a LOT of fun making homemade slime.
Overall I’m really tickled by how much I liked the Vesper…here I was thinking it would be another Lust 2.5 situation, a vibrator that was too pinpoint to make me orgasm on my own, something I’d need to use in the heat of the moment with a partner. And what I have is a really great quality pinpoint vibrator that I’d happily use on my own by itself as a standalone. This year has definitely been one of discoveries, between realizing how much I love girth to now learning that I may enjoy pinpoint stimulation after all. So thanks Crave, for teaching me a little bit more about my body. Ah, the beauty of good sex toys.
With a dildo collection ranging towards the eclectic, it was only a matter of time before I began venturing into the wonderful world of fantasy dildos. My ex has an extensive Bad Dragon collection and though I admired these creations, they were really intimidating in size and shape (I’m only now realizing how much I love girth, and sort of totally regret never trying any of their larger wares while we were still together). I was never squeamish with what these dildos represented, from werewolf wangs to dino dicks, and was even really turned on by the tentacle-y toys.
At this point even the lime green Leo we called “Patient Zero” seemed too girthy for me.
I previously encountered the now defunct Whipspider Rubberworks’s Ghost dildo at a birthday kidnapping play party for my ex back in 2010 and loved their entire line. Bad Dragon was in overwhelmingly huge production and so widely memefied that I was sort of turned off by the company even before I heard about their shitty customer service and transphobic behavior. Not to mention nearly every fantasy dildo (no matter the company) I’d come across was incredibly expensive, and for the most part, rightly so. They are ornate, uniquely designed, hand-poured with unique color combinations, and come with different densities. But my budget could only afford one-offs or flops, (New York Toy Collective calls them “Whoops“) products which had nicks, bubbles, or other inconsistencies which made them less expensive.
Last semester I scooped up a “Cold-Brew” cephalapod butt plug from Damn Average for my best schoolmate who works at a coffee shop. It had a little divot in the tip which blended in really well with the rest of the suckers, so I only paid 24 bucks for a really beautifully poured and creative toy. Naturally, I got the first squeeze to see exactly HOW soft Damn Average’s “Super Soft” was, and holy shit was this thing jiggly. I’ve since asked my mate how insertion was with silicone that squishy (literally the softest silicone I’ve ever felt…like gummy candy) and they said it was a little difficult getting in. Still, one thing I love about fantasy dildos is the density options, and I really wanted to get my hands on a toy with a similar but not quite-so-squishy shore.
I’m frequently clicking through Etsy, especially the dildo selection ranging from bigger indie companies like Split Peaches and Godemiche to newer ones just being created. I had my eye on two pieces from Necronomicox and TailsandPortholes when suddenly, a new shop popped up on my radar. With a kickass Black Friday sale and a COLOR-CHANGING silicone pour. Back during the Heatwave/Coldfront sale on Frisky Beast, I had once entertained the possibility of buying a color-changing dildo but never found it to be really affordable. But here I was, looking at a $40 fantasy dildo with glitter and shimmer and the option to choose what color my silicone changed to. All my dreams were about to come true, thanks to a little company named PhoenixFlameForge.
How awesome are these Skolls?!
I had the choice of Monty the Manticore or Skoll the Werewolf 1.0 or 2.0. Though both Skolls looked more satisfying in girth, Monty had a more industrial, less phallic appearance (no glans or furry-textured testicles). It also had a really pointy tip and I was ready to find out if this was going to be the cervix-poking experience I feared or if the softness of the silicone would provide some give to a seemingly sharp end. I was also curious as to the functionality of a tapered end for anal penetration, and for such a low price, I could actually answer some of these questions. My Monty came in a week, despite the made-to-order estimates saying it would take much longer, so +1 for super fast shipping. It changed from a dimensional black and deep gray when cold to a cobalt and pale blue when warmed up. SO beautiful.
This silicone is a dust-o-phile. Freshly washed: click to zoom in on all the fuzzies it collected in under a minute.
The bottom fourth of Monty’s shaft is definitely the girthiest of my collection, but I wasn’t really expecting for a full insertion anyway, since this dil doesn’t have a dramatic flare or suction cup. I knew I’d need to hold onto something, and this was likely going to be the lower quarter of the dildo. Being blessed with huge hands and grabby piano fingers (I can palm a basketball and hold it in one hand), I’m able to get my whole hand around the base during use with no problem. I have seen some negative reviews of Monty for not having a distinguished base, which I get, especially since I sacrifice insertable length for whatever I’m holding onto. But seeing as how I was never going to get that hilt (I wouldn’t quite call it a knot as I’ve seen in other fantasy dildos or even the Skoll) inside me anyway, it makes for a good enough grip.
The remainder of the shaft is similar in girth to Godemiche’s Adam, but because the silicone is so squishy (not nearly as squishy as Damn Average’s cephalapod, but much softer than Funkit’s Crista), it doesn’t fill me up as much as the Adam. And it definitely doesn’t go as deep. Which is actually a plus, because that pointy end ends up curling upwards ever so slightly against my g-spot and stays far away from my cervix. The width of the base and how my hand holds it makes additional clitoral stimulation a bit tricky, but when my partner uses the Monty on me, I’m able to use a vibrator easily.
As far as anal penetration goes, the squish of the Monty makes it slippery for insertion, and I definitely need to start with a few other toys before I work my way up to this. I find that once I’ve used my Shilo I can graduate to the Monty within a matter of minutes, but I can’t really use it as vigorously. It’s an intense anal experience, one that I could definitely see some folks enjoying and some folks saying “This is just too much!” My partner is slightly intimidated by it, though he insists he will provide feedback one day. Overall, for the amazing price-point, beautiful color-changing aspect and gorgeous pour, plus finally getting my hands on a great quality fantasy dildo, I’m supremely satisfied with PhoenixFlameForge’s Monty and would highly recommend their work.
Walking the halls of the Hilton Alexandria Mark Center on a warm Thursday in August, full of curiosity, anxiety, anticipating the cusping Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit about to break into full swing all around me, I found myself clinging, quite often literally, to the familiar comforts of display tables and free samples. I hoped to strike up conversations, but knew if promoters were busy or engaged in other business I still had the safety net of looking at, and with permission, handling the goodies on each table. I had the pleasure of grabbing some lube sachets, stickers, free mints (thank god, my blood sugar was so low from not eating), and even finally testing the amazing strength of Doxy’s line. Suddenly a glimmer of light caught something, which my eyes darted immediately to like a fish to the lure. Clear sex toys, with ribbons and swirls of color inside of them, wooden paddles with rainbow gradients that put Microsoft Word Art to shame.
(
I had seen semi-translucent silicone with Tantus’s Flurry and Cush, and had seen some of Godemiche’s decorative pours, but never a company that used clear silicone as their primary medium to display the burst of color inside. (Lilly has a great post on clear silicone here). No one was sitting at the table at the time, so I didn’t dare touch them, just admire them really, really closely. Later on during the evening Sex Geek Salon hosted by JoEllen Notte, I was hanging out my dear friend Christoph who had just led an amazing workshop earlier in the day called “From Stonewall to Nursing Homes: What’s It Like to be back in the closet after so many years?” (It was SO good). We were joined by a bubbly intellectual fellow with a “Peg the Patriarchy” shirt and some rockin’ sideburns and spent our evening playing a bunch of games, coloring, and having nerdy conversations. Though never formally introduced, I kept seeing this gentleman workshop after workshop, socializing with all different people. I don’t know if it was the whir of everything around me, but it wasn’t until day two where I realized this was Kenton, the creator of Funkit Toys, the brain and artist of all those gorgeous silicone pours I had been gawking at in my very first hours of the conference.
It also took me another day or so to make the connection that his special rainbow pour, named the Crista, was in honor of sex educator, blogger, and all things rainbow, Crista Anne. After my recent purchase of the BS Bingo, I decided I needed another rainbow toy in my life, and the Cristas were absolutely fucking gorgeous in all their spectral variety. Funkit’s website has the option to order a custom toy with up to 3 colors swirled in it, but there were no more Cristas in the form of a G-Spot dildo, what Funkit calls their Swing. I messaged Kenton and asked if he’d be willing to custom make me one. He got back to me the following day saying he’d be glad to, and together we worked on making a Crista with each color to my liking. I especially wanted one with a decent amount of purple, and Kenton was so accommodating towards this request.
The most creative shipping confirmation I’ve ever gotten.
The speed of this process was head-spinning. One day I had made the custom order, and a week later, it was in my hands. Kenton kept me updated every step of the way, literally taking me on a wilderness journey via Snapchat to watch my dildo being shipped out. So now I have my very own Crista, made just for me, and it feels really, really special. I’ve never had such a unique experience with a sex toy company. Given my previous review and the recent climate surrounding the sex toy industry, company ethics, interaction, and approach is more important than ever. I felt the story of my experience with Funkit and Kenton just as worthy as the review itself because inclusivity is a really big thing for me in this industry and the field in general.
Now for the actual review! The Swing has an outstanding curve to it, to the point where I can’t figure out the physics of how it stands independently due to its near perfect C-Shape. It actually does have a little trouble standing on account of Funkit’s unique base, which is cut on both sides to enable suction but a little thin material-wise (and I’ll get to this in a bit). So while the dildo can stand up on its own, it’s just a little precarious. For folx who like to put their dils on display or stand them up after use so lube doesn’t get everywhere, the Swing may be a little tricky.
It needs a little propping.
The girth tapers a tad narrowly towards the bottom which I find makes it easier for my fingers to grip, but with the shore and the density of the silicone, makes it the shaft a bit floppy and bendy. The top gets much thicker in density, which is good, because it pushes against my G-Spot, but it’s not overly bulbous. There are a series of ridges from top to base, which I don’t necessarily feel during thrusting, but they are really essential for grip and also for getting a tactile sense of how far the dildo is when it’s inside of me. The Swing is not a long or thick dildo by any means. It’s modest, and combined with the pliability of the silicone, makes it versatile for potential anal play. As in, I normally wouldn’t put a G-Spot dildo in my butt because a stiff curve gets a bit pinchy for me, but I have a feeling the Swing, like the BS Bingo, will flex to fit comfortably inside of me, so updates to come.
Crista, meet Rocket. Rocket, Crista.
As far as G-Spot stimulation, the Swing is great, particularly if I angle it downwards or have my partner do that for me. I find that I don’t insert the Swing very far, just enough to hit my G-Spot, and both my partner and I prefer using the shaft of the Swing itself to thrust rather than the base. Funkit’s bases are really unique for their multi-functionality. They offer really strong suction, you can plunk them on the base of another dildo or even one of their Swats and you have a double-ended toy that is not going to pry apart unless you want it to. And this works for almost any dildo base that is big enough to match Funkit’s diameter. We tried it on all my Tantus dildos, my Doc Johnson silicone dildos, my Godemiche Adam, and the Swing didn’t budge.
)
The base itself stays nicely in an O-ring for my harness, mostly I think because of how my Swing tapers and because is not extremely top heavy. Unfortunately, because of how the base is structured, it has flaps that bend down and this makes it tricky to grip if I’m using the dildo on its own. I know Funkit advertises the flaps as making it more grip-friendly, but with lubed fingers, active kegels, and rigorous thrusting, the flaps slip right out of my tightly pinched digits. I tried to grab the base with my fingers perpendicular to the fold as to not bend the base, but it’s still thin enough that I mush it together. Funkit’s thought of everything, though. They specially make “Hubs” to attach to the bottom of each product, reinforcing them for a sturdier grip. I know some other silicone artisans make swatch-type stress relievers or firmness samples in disc shapes (Damn Average has seasonal themed “Squishy Grab Bags” for $20 max with all sorts of fun shapes to squeeze). Split Peaches even makes glow-in-the-dark silicone “Stress Reliever Boobies,” and how fun would it be to have a glowing boob attached to the base of my Crista to reinforce my grip? All the DIY fun creative ideas, ALL OF THEM.
Disclaimer: I am not including ANY links to MEO’s website as I do not want to give them any traffic.
I had my hesitations about MEO, I did. So many things seemed very wrong about this company, from their marketing, to the toys they stocked, to their incessant email spamming. I found it abhorrent that they would make knockoffs of nJoy’s long-existing products, but was also really curious as to why they were so much cheaper. So on a whim, being that I’m unaffiliated, unpaid, and thought I had nothing to lose, messaged the MEO admins asking if they’d be willing to send me any toys to review on my website. I got a prompt response saying yes, and to choose my toys.
Orange Cat for Scale
I immediately asked for the Alpha Male 3 Stimulator, which looked much like the nJoy Pure Wand, with the secret intentions of using my landlord’s industrial dremel to get a bisected view of what kind of metals were really in this thing. I also asked for their Foreskin Dildo, which had this really cool highlighter-yellow base and claimed to be silicone, which I figured I’d flame test when I got it. Basically, I wanted to science the shit out of MEO’s products. I jokingly mentioned the Garden Gnome Dildo to Wolf, the guy handling my order, with no intentions of actually wanting it. But lo and behold, MEO would rather send me a huge dildo and a ten pound ANAL GNOME and fork over international shipping fees than risk another steel toy getting into the hands of a sex toy reviewer. Something VERY suspicious about that.
Like, really?
The Gnome is PURE phthalates, shrink wrapped in busted plastic. My dear schoolmate is a collector of all things garden gnome related, so I’ll see if they have use for it, otherwise there have been suggestions to light it on fire. But truth be told, with all that PVC and the toxic fumes, I think that might be kind of dangerous. The thing reeks just sitting on my counter, I can’t imagine how it would be engulfed in flames. It’d probably ignite like a sterno. So unboxing this package made me uncomfortable to begin with. The lubes were gendered: PlowBoy and PlowGirl. Silicone for the boys and glycerin-free (but not glycol-free) for the girls. And pink! YAY! Fucking hell.
Part of my unboxing video. Authentic reaction of surprise and ick at the gendered lube. "…ok, why do the 'boys' get silicone?" ::smh:: pic.twitter.com/mJ1C4gZkFk
The silicone dildo DID hold up to the flame test in several areas, no scorch marks, no melting, no reactions at all. It was a squishier silicone, something akin to your average Vixen silicone, and had a length and girth just a touch thicker and longer than Godemiche’s Adam. The base was an inch thick which I loved, because it meant I could get a good grip on it. I got in the mail yesterday and here we are today, my Jopen Vanity Vr6 in hand for clitoral stimulation, this PlowGirl business at the ready (this is the biggest dildo I’ve ever owned, so I figured I might as well try out the new water-based lube), and the new dildo. The dildo was amazing. I’ve realized I’m a huge fan of thick dildos. Three orgasms in under a minute without even trying…so fucking good. This has literally opened up a whole new world for me. Too bad that’s the last time I’ll ever be using it.
I got up to give them a good wash when I noticed there was a strange and gooey thickness to the bulb of my Vr6. The dildo also seemed extra sticky. That’s when it hit me. I started rubbing my fingers together. Still slick. Oh my god. The lube wasn’t water-based. IT WAS SILICONE. Maybe they mispackaged the PlowGirl with silicone lube. I began soaping up both toys under warm water, rubbing gently with my thumb as an entire layer of toy material came off the bulb of my precious Vr6. I’m freaking out. I’m not even thinking about what’s going on inside my body at this point. I’m worried about the toys. I finally get the lube off the Vr6 and hopefully that is the last of the material’s degradation on that toy. Then I start working on the MEO dildo. It is tacky as fuck. I already know this is a losing battle. No matter how much soap, gentle rubbing, harsh scrubbing, nothing is saving this dildo. The surface has become gluey. It reminds me of tar. There is no smell. It’s just ruined silicone at this point. My hands are completely sticky with whatever is coming off of the silicone. And THAT’s when it dawns on me.
Whatever my hands feel like is proooobably what my insides are feeling like right now. Jesus Christ. I waddle to the bathroom, grabbing my one and only douche I will ever use, a Yeast Gard probiotic, in a sad attempt to flush out whatever’s inside me. I use a gentle glycerin and fragrance free wipe to rub the remaining silicone lube from my outer crevices and I’m about ready to fucking cry. How could a company do this? How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I rub the lube between my fingers first to see if it got sticky? Because I read the label. I believed the label. So now I have two ridiculously gendered bottles of silicone lube, one PRETENDING to be water-based, one ruined silicone dildo, one completely toxic “Anal Gnome” that I can imagine few people ever putting up their ass (porn stars excluded, I’ve seen a couple scenes), and a complete sense of horror as to what’s going on with my body and how careless a company could possibly be to allow this to happen.
The “Ingredients”
I am literally in tears writing this. REALLY wishing I read the review by Emmeline Peaches before I used it. Now I’m wondering if it’s not a case of one mispackaged PlowGirl but rather all PlowGirl lubes that have a high concentration of silicone without it being included on the label. This is no hybrid, it’s not oil, it’s not aloe. This is straight up silicone. And it’s fucking unacceptable.
